Blight on Society??? (Nope, not really)

Since being unemployed, yesterday was the first day I felt like the "leach" on society. The "failure" of the no prospects. The lazy of the "why don't you just get a job". And ya know what? That feeling SUCKS! It's NOT MY FAULT I'm here. Ok... it's not totally my fault. I will take responsibility and I will admit I have been holding back on the job hunt stuff (like writing a resume, or even looking to see what's out there.) A lot of my co-works have found new jobs and are happy.  But here I sit, banging my head again and a again.

Over the years I have created a block, a thick, strong stone wall constructed by the best masons throughout time, that stops me dead in the tracks of progression. I sit. I cry. I pull myself up and figure out a new path. Then magically, that "darn" wall gets stronger, finds me and stops me in my tracks... AGAIN.  I give up what I want. I don't follow through when I should. I watch too much tv. I stop trying and go back the easy Siren's song of retail. And, I'm TIRED of it! I want to stop sabotaging myself, break through and be successful! I deserve it don't I???

The frosting on yesterday's cake was the fact I had a party to attend. A party in luxurious condo, a host I barely know and want to impress, other guests who are "very" successful and ME (the blight on society.) YUG!!!!! Not a happy camper!!!! Nope!!! It was time to pull up those big girl panties, hold my head up high, fake it till I make and remember I am more than my "job" or my bank statement (never an easy thing to do.) Needless to say, I wasn't good company on the drive there. (Sorry dude) But... I went.

 As we got out of the car and strolled slowly to the door, the "social" Betsy started to come to life. I unpacked our food to pass, started talking about what I made, what they made and everyone was drinking wine. The YUG!!!!! fear-coating around me was falling off in large chunks; I was relaxing and letting myself come out from hiding. I could carry on conversations. I asked intelligent questions. I found out interesting information about my new friends. I couldn't hide my passion for interior design and was called out on it; but was ok because it IS one of my strongest passions. Employed or not, owner/designer or not, I am passionate about furniture, design, people and people's homes, AND I can't hide it!!!

My day was ruined because I was worked about how other's saw me. What they would say?  I was making up stories how they would view me... "Haven't you done anything today?"  "Are you Ever going to look for a job?" "I've been at work ALL day, what have you done?" The realization... At the end of the day, noone said any of that. Instead they said "When are we going to do this again?" "This was so much fun!" "I can't wait to see you again."

Lesson learned: Stay out of your Head... Stay on track... Don't worry about the wall, just keep going... Remember you are more than your "job" and bank statement... And soon YOU will have the magic to walk right through the wall, no matter where it appears.

To Do Lists

" He who fails to plan, plans to fail."- Proverb

My To Do List might be different, but it will get me the same results ---  More to to life!

"To Do Lists" Every day we write down what we *need* to get done, then at night we look at what we got done and didn't get done. Some of us rate our self-esteem on how many checkmarks or strikethrough lines there are while thinking "I could have done better; I'm a slacker; Why can't I manage time better."  Others look and think "Wow, look at everything I've done; What I didn't get to today, I'll do tomorrow." Then others write the list then never look at it again thinking "I wrote it down, I'll remember what I have to do." And some, don't writing anything down, they rely on their master list to draw from or will make it up as the day unfolds.

I have done each of those scenarios. Not surprisingly, depending on the circumstances and my mind set, they have had different outcomes. When I have to *punch a clock* my to do lists are followed, checked off, analyzed at the end of the day then the appropriated modifications are made to the following day's list. There I am productive, know what I need to keep updated to my boss, things move smoothly. At home I'll write one, I'll even look at it a couple of times and strikethrough an item or two. But more typically, I'll end up focusing on something not on any list that "has to get done" and be mad at myself at the end of the day.

Today makes the beginning of the third week I've been unemployed and I'm realizing my typical way of doing things isn't working. I have no job leads, the house isn't any farther completed, nor is the yard any prettier. But the cabinet is 1/2 painted, lots of tv has be caught up on, and many shops have been explored... This ain't working. This is not the life I want to live. This is not my dream and has no form of integrity in it!

So... I'm trying on something different for the week. I'm playing a game with myself. I'm going to try to stick to my plan. I'm going to see how well I can stick to my guns and I'm going to see what happens. I'm not going to give myself an out. I'm going to hold myself accountable for what needs to be done. I'm not going to flutter around anymore and see where I land. I AM going to make a list, check things off. I AM going to play this game of LIFE!

I'm excited to see what is created and what is reveled at the end of the week. I'm excited to see what it look like when the game level is complete and I get to go on to the next one. So... How are you with your to do list? Do you have the life you want? What game are you going to play with yourself to get your life?

Getting the Anger Out

Last fall and early winter I was jogging all the time, ok 3 or 4 days a week. I LOVED it. I specially loved jogging in the early morning and watching the world wake up; or running during the stillness of night when everything was quiet. It was my escape from my reality, form the confusion and the extreme changes I was gladly putting on myself.

Since the snow came and left I haven't even been out for a walk let alone a empty your mind jog. I was becoming conditioned to except my life where it was. Instead of fighting back I was "enjoying" the spring curled up on the sofa wasting away crying, sleeping or watching tv show after show not having any energy to do anything. 

The frustrating thing was, I love exercising. I love power trip I get from lifting free weights. I get inspired by seeing what other people have done in their yards.  I get a satisfaction from seeing a skinnier waist and toned arms. BUT... I need anger to exercise. Like most people it is hard for me to get out Newton's First Law of Motion: An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force; An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Anger is my unbalanced force.

In the 10 months since I moved out my life has not become a Zen like peaceful household. Just the contrary: losing 2 jobs, being told I need to be more independent, the irritation of a home remodel, overcoming feelings abandonment, learning how to manage a home and learning how to be single. I skirt away from the  "woe is me" (although the weekends on the couch were leaning that way.) I don't believe my life is any harder than anyone else's life, just different.  But there wasn't any anger. I wasn't mad enough to change.  I was longing to jog, to get the growing blackness out of me. Even though it wasn't surfacing; it was hiding behind tears, behind screams, not willing to step  up and be my "unbalanced force" of change.

Till today. Leave it to a boy to unknowingly piss off a girl without having any idea in the littlest bit. Everything fell into alignment.  My anger and I put on the cute jogging skirt, my colorful shirt, worn shoes and off we went with the strong beat and angst of the Gorillaz playing loudly for encouragement.

40 minutes later I came home accompanied instead with the feeling of power restored to my aura, tight leg muscles and a very hungry belly! Life isn't perfect, but I think I can stay off the sofa for a while and go back to overcoming my life...