Last fall and early winter I was jogging all the time, ok 3 or 4 days a week. I LOVED it. I specially loved jogging in the early morning
and watching the world wake up; or running during the stillness of night when
everything was quiet. It was my escape from my reality, form the confusion and the
extreme changes I was gladly putting on myself.
Since the snow came and left I haven't even been out
for a walk let alone a empty your mind jog. I was becoming conditioned to
except my life where it was. Instead of fighting back I was "enjoying"
the spring curled up on the sofa wasting away crying, sleeping or watching tv show after show not having
any energy to do anything.
The frustrating thing was, I love exercising. I love power
trip I get from lifting free weights. I get inspired by seeing what other
people have done in their yards. I get a
satisfaction from seeing a skinnier waist and toned arms. BUT... I need anger
to exercise. Like most people it is hard for me to get out Newton's First Law
of Motion: An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an
unbalanced force; An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon
by an unbalanced force. Anger is my unbalanced force.
In the 10 months since I moved out my life
has not become a Zen like peaceful household. Just the contrary: losing 2 jobs,
being told I need to be more independent, the irritation of a home remodel,
overcoming feelings abandonment, learning how to manage a home and learning how
to be single. I skirt away from the "woe
is me" (although the weekends on the couch were leaning that way.) I
don't believe my life is any harder than anyone else's life, just different. But there wasn't any anger. I wasn't mad
enough to change. I was longing to jog,
to get the growing blackness out of me. Even though it wasn't surfacing; it was hiding
behind tears, behind screams, not willing to step up and be my "unbalanced force" of
change.
Till today. Leave it to a boy to unknowingly piss off a girl
without having any idea in the littlest bit. Everything fell into alignment. My anger and I put on the cute jogging skirt,
my colorful shirt, worn shoes and off we went with the strong beat and angst
of the Gorillaz playing loudly for encouragement.
40 minutes later I came home accompanied instead with the feeling of power
restored to my aura, tight leg muscles and a very hungry belly! Life isn't
perfect, but I think I can stay off the sofa for a while and go back to
overcoming my life...
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