Dealing With Avoidance

Remind me...
How did I get HERE!?!?

• Laundry (Including putting it away & patching holes)
• Clean the kitchen / bathroom / living room
• Find the office desk under the paperwork
• Find the dresser under the make-up & jewelry
• Fix the holes around the basement windows to keep the cold and mice out
• Insulate the crawl space
• Clean the kitty litter before she again pees somewhere else and I have to find it
• Finish (START) the canvases/artwork needed next week
• Fix the shingles on the roof
• Find out why the basement wall is leaking / how to rewire the electricity upstairs
• Purge the office, clothing, garage and basement, life
• Pay bills with the money growing on the backyard tree... (Wait, I don't HAVE a money growing tree!!! Now what?)
• Replace the bathroom cabinet / back screen door / the exterior side light
• Make money / Meet people / Network
• Create a marketing plan

There is always so much do to. I get easily overwhelmed by it all and stop, or break down, or cry, or veg in front of the TV. There are times I honestly believe that I've finally gotten a grasp on what needs to be done. I have a positive outlook that I CAN Do This!!! To find out I was only spinning my wheels and, in truth, I'm really back 5 steps.

To "deal with it" I step back, create new possibilities, figure out new ways to do without, figure out ways to do it "on the cheap." I try to stay happy about my living conditions. I remind myself I'm thankful for what I have. I try to have honest gratitude.

But... In reality, I hate where I live. I hate how I live. I hate that everywhere I look I see a minimum of 3 things that need to be done.

I spent a year living in denial. I ignored everything that needed to attention. Wanna know a secret? It didn't go away. It actually did the opposite; a lot of things, unsurprisingly, got worse. So now, I'm bleaching mold from the drywall and ceiling for days instead of having fixed the furnace drip and dealing with the water in a timely matter. I'm spending hours sorting through papers to find that needed phone number instead of managing my horizontal surfaces, time, life or behaviors.

I long to love my environment. To feel accomplished at the end of the day with a beer on a real sofa, not the twin bed pushed against the wall trying to pretend it IS a sofa. But instead I'm working till I'm falling over exhausted (on the days I'm not overwhelmed and hiding). I'm trying to put my life on track to be the adult I daydream about.

I'm learning about self-discipline and making choices; do I really really "need" that 14th plastic condiment jar, just-in-case? I'm learning that what I do today affects me tomorrow and 5 years from tomorrow. I'm learning that if I want my life to look a certain way and be a certain way, I need to keep THAT big picture in my mind when I make decisions.

I'm learning that cleaning up after avoidance is hard! And I don't like it!!!

I wish I could say, "I'm a changed woman, everything is on the right path and I'm always productive and proactive." But it seems, transforming how you do things is really hard (she said in a whiny voice with feet stomping and huge pout).

There's a saying I've heard over and over: "It took you years to get this way, it's not going to correct itself overnight."  So, I try a little bit every day. I keep my ultimate goal in mind and draw strength from it to remember Why. I will read blogs on self-discipline to encourage myself. I will remind myself over and over that I can do this!

I will proudly say, "I'm on a journey and some days are easy and go as planned, while other days are challenging and I get to go to bed really early." I'm not proud of myself for getting in this position; but I'm working at forgiving myself and being proud of getting out of it.