Yes, it was REALLY that dirty!

Wow! So, my life has changed a bit since 2015!


I DID get my Mermaid hair through a different salon and love the stylist. We now hang out every 4-ish weeks, and she does whatever she wants to keep my hair funky.

I have semi-learned-ish to control (might be too optimistic of an outlook) my temper. Hours of meditation and jogging have gone a lot way to help me be calmer and help me dilute up-coming anger, so it never surfaces.  (that is entirely a typo! Surfaces LESS!)

However, Fear is still controlling me, my actions, and thus what I’m able to achieve in life. My life isn’t where I dreamt it would be. More accurately, each year goes past, and my desires for what I wanted are yet again not achieved.

• "Next year. Next year we’ll get the kayaks." (We’re on year four without purchasing them and making all those memories.)
• "This year! This is the year I’ll send out birthday cards letting my loved ones know how much they are cherished and how much I think about them." (It’s only January 13th, and I’ve already missed two birthdays!)
• "This month, we’ll work on lowering our debt." (Unfortunately, this didn’t stay neutral. Just the opposite, it got worse.)
• Not to mention the dance lessons, the neglected date nights, the business that’s still a hobby. And don’t forget about the growing piles of bills and all the abandoned projects, nor all the hopes and dreams mentioned in every blog post previously written here. 

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." 

-Albert Einstein

For decades (yes, decades!) I have been trying to change who I was. Trying to become someone else to achieve my dreams: “Do I have the will power to do the work it will take?”  “Can I be the woman I need to be to have the future I want?” (Hint: Nope. Nope, I don’t)

Then one warm sunny Sunday, after trying the microwave in its 10th location in our tiny kitchen, I did something different from my typical scream, cry, 20-minute avoidance shower... I went jogging. I lifted weights. I didn’t jog long. I didn’t do many reps, and it wasn’t much poundage. But, I TOOK CONTROL! I did an action that had a start, a finish, and I was the only one in charge of what was happening to my body and mind.

“The hand moves, and the fire’s whirling takes different shapes: All things change when we do” 

-Kukai

I started to change. I become physically stronger. I got a job out of the home. I had my own money to help pay bills.  I started to see different thinking, different outcomes…

With these wins under my belt and craving a different outcome in my life... I did what every sane person would do. I decided to undertake a significant “Pattern Interrupt” crash course and discover a new way of thinking… (Because, damn it!, I want something different to read in my journals! And, what I’ve been doing just is not working!) I threw caution to the wind (and my sanity) and “moved” #StellaDog and me into an apartment for a month so I could “find myself.”

Within the first two days, I discovered 463 reasons why it was a horrible idea. (It was dirty. There were new noises. I was as officially alone. I didn’t know anyone; you get the gist of it all.) But no matter what, there was always one reason outweighing all the crap and making it worth it…

Because I needed a change, I needed a new life and a new way of thinking. And, most importantly, I was desperate!                                                         

So, this is where I'm currently at; #StellaDog and I are in a stranger's apartment trying dearly to discover who in the hell we are... Ok, who I am, she just a dog, a dog who loves me and has to go where I am because she has no thumbs.

I have no idea what to expect during this month. I have no expectations of what’s going to happen. All I know is that at some level I’ll be a different person at the end than I am today.

Come on…

• Join me!
• Take this ride with me.
• Experience 1st hand my glorious breakdowns (yes, the oven is filthy enough for a ten-minute cry on the phone with my mom. Really!) Cheer with me for my accomplishments.  And hopefully, find something to take away for your life… Even if it’s to shake your head in amusement and be grateful this isn’t you. 

See ya tomorrow!!!

Tell Me, Are You Attached to The Mermaid Too?

Hopes and Dreams and Attachment

I'm starting something big in my life.  I'm excited about it! I can feel the desire for this change down into my bones and throughout my being. And yes, it scares me every moment of every day! Combined with all the internal struggles fighting in my self-esteem that came from combining my life with another's (ex: belly flopping into the role of a Step-Mom to a 14-year-old, taking on the role of a housewife --- neither character I ever wanted to be in life --- living without my own car for 9 months, not having any pets nor a place to garden, nor my own money) and I get overwhelmed. Not in a negative way. But in a "Wow, this is hard work" sort of way.

First and foremost, I stand in a place where this is MY LIFE and I welcome all of it! I truly do!!! I want more of the things it. I want more different things. And I want to experience it all!!!

I have always looked out for others. And it's been something I do well. Ever since I was an infant with a foster-brother I have figured out how I can help another. Learning how to help myself wasn't nearly as important as helping another. I'm proud of the helping other's part. And I'm working on helping myself now too.

Today I was going to take care of myself! I was going to put my desires first. I wasn't going to let the cost of ice skating, the new classes and the costs of travel, the rental and the upcoming expenses, the bills or the needed car repair stop me. I was going to pull from the girl I was before adulthood surfaced. I was going to free a part of myself I hold back so that everything going on can shine.  And I was so totally looking forward to it!!!!

I was going to get a blue-green-teal Mermaid hair color done.

It was a simple yet profound alteration that would allow the parts of me that are stuck or not-so-eager for-all-this-change-crap to see it's not so bad. It was a chance for me stand out and scream I'm here in a world where I feel I'm losing my uniqueness. It was a way to connect with the inner creative spirit of my true self.

Once there, with cash in hand and 3 hours of my day set aside for this adventure I discover they priced it wrong when I went in two days earlier to specifically inquire about the price (so I could make sure I had the money!) and to ask questions. 

I didn't have enough money. 

I wasn't able to get the coloring I had been looking forward to for months. The coloring I had been daydreaming about for weeks. The coloring in the picture I gazed at longinly saying to myself "Someday". My response... I walked out. Walked back in to give them a piece of my mind. Walked out again. Went home and cried.

Which leads to a question of attachment... I was so attached to getting my hair done! I so wanted it. I felt sucker punched.  I felt like... Sad. I was sad and let down.

But... What IF I wasn't attached to the outcome of having my hair done today? What if I just saw this as "Ok, I'll go home and save up more money."? What if I realized the crazy people at the beauty place don't have control over how high I hold my head up or if I'm happy? What if I had as much attachment to this occurrence as I do when went the post office is out of the stamps I like?

I'm still happy with my life. I'm still the powerful women making changes and blending my life. My day is really a great day. And I WILL get my hair colored... Just not this week (and from somewhere else).

So... What do you do when you're let down? What do you do when things don't go the way you planned them go? Are you attached to the outcome? Do you get angry? Or do you just say ok and move on?

How Did The Oatmeal Get Here?!?

I

I know this is an exaggeration, but this is really how I feel!

'm not too quiet about my life. (OMG that would be a really boring blog... What would I type about if not for all my soap box options on life? Ok, my life...) I'm not afraid to say out loud I'm angry, frustrated, or happy.  And today I'm going to say it again....

I am frustrated with my living situation! I would totally love to look across the room and not see things undone EVERY where I look, I would love from my eyes to see what I envision the space to look like. 

But for now... There's the printer I'm suppose to get onto Craig's List, The box that goes to Salvation Army. The plant that I'm not sure what's up with and need to do some research on. The boxes of papers that need to be filed or recycled. The desktop that is again too full to use. And this is just what I see from my office chair looking in one direction!

 I know we all have things that need to be done. Projects that are waiting for us to get to. I just don't know how to do it all and still sleep and that frustrates me! I will admit, our apartment isn't that large and a single extra box translates to a toe stubber on the way into the kitchen... Let alone the three major projects we have going on right now. 

I get mad. I lose my temper when I start to get overwhelmed by the crap (I mean "Treasures", really I do), and I have an evil temper, one that slams doors and pitches containers of oatmeal (Oh, I don't suggest that one. It really goes flying. But, if you do, don't throw it into the pantry. That just becomes a clean up from hell. Not that I would know anything about that... Nope, not me...)

But today I tried something different. I tried to be diligent. I tried to not just dumb and go onto something else, but instead  I put everything away that I was working on. I also attempted to stay true to the task timer so I could get onto the next whatever and not be so reactive to situations. 

It was funny. I would just set something down and walk away. Then aloud say "No, Betsy, that isn't the way we are going to make a difference in our life." Then I would turn around, pick up what I avoided, put it away and go back to the new task. 

I have a very long way to go and not a good service record for follow-through before the apartment feels like a home.  But maybe if I take on 30 mins of forced activity along with  staying diligent I might get the pictures hung, the paint finished, the stuff purged... Maybe I'll get to the place where my apartment feels like a home and not a storage unit. 

How do you keep your passions calm when life starts to overwhelm you? Are you a dumper crap or a keeper of Treasures? Do you have any tips for me? (Because we all know, I need all the help I can get!)

Taking a Leap of Faith

Fear of starting is such a big thing to get over!

I have been in the "Starting" phase of my new business venture for 7 months now! I keep learning more and redesigning what I want. And even knowing what I want I've been starting that for 3! 

I am passionate about what I want to do. I know I can do it. I've been studying it and seeing it everywhere and how I can use it... But... Still... I'm afraid to commit to it.

We are financial ok??? with me not working; so there's not a "I need to pay the bills" drive. I don't have any clients; so no one is waiting on me. This puts me in a weird space. I get to do this because I want to. 

WOW! I hadn't put that together till just now. I am lucky enough to do what I Want, because I Want to. And yet, I'm still afraid of that first step. So silly!

I keep making up routines I think that will inspire me to work. I decided to just choose working and work for a couple of hours. I avoid it all together and watch TV or sleep. And still I'm in the "Starting" phase. 

During the last couple of weeks, I got a "Client", ok my parent's rental property, and it felt so good! I felt alive and like I really could pull this off. I was getting Results! I got results! What I was doing was making a difference. I had a direction. I want more of it! More and More and MORE! (And yet, I'm still afraid to take a big step.)

Now, I get to find more of what will get me to do the work and keep me going so I can continue this feeling.

What do you do to keep you going when you don't want to? What drives you? I'm looking for ideas....

Oh....

Play me some country music. 

I don't have time to ponder life tonight. I'm out living it!!!

When was the last time you. Just let go? Didn't care and wiggle that booty? 

Take a Step Back, Just for a Moment

Every now and then you have to take a step back and look at what you've accomplished.

Looking at what you've done gives you a chance to pat yourself on the back. It also gives you a chance to make sure you're swimming in the right direction. (It's like swimming across the pool; you don't want to make it across only to find you swam horizontally instead of straight.)

So, what have I done you ask? I created my first website from scratch (at least as "from scratch" as you can with the template on Wordpress), including All the graphics. I set up 4 coordinating social media sites and started to a marketing campaign. I know... Not such a big deal...

But... But... It's my first case study for my new business. When I get this all done, I can officially say I'm a Social Media Manager! And have something to show potential clients.

It was so cool finishing the website today! I've been working on all the information, copy, pictures, sites for 2 weeks now. And it's done!

What do you think? Did I nail it? ...Click Here to see the entire site... (Editor's note: Yes, I know there are typos. Yes, I know the spelling needs to be corrected in some places. That's on tomorrow's to do list for someone who actually knows how to spell.)



So... What are you proud of? When was the last time you stepped back to look at what you've finished?

The Single Tip for a Healthy Growing Relationship

So, I'm married. And I'm married to the perfect man for me! I couldn't ask for a better person to be my life partner.

Totally Joyful makes sure I get the pleasure of experiencing every single flipping emotion. I get the typical happy and joy. I do a LOT of laughing around him. He makes me feel secure and loved. These are all wonderful! Then, to make sure I realize how special these feelings are, I also get to experience loneliness, anger, frustration, and even some insecurity. Yep, I AM a lucky wife!

The past couple of days we have been tiffing about something he wants to do that really scares me. It's nothing bad; it's actually a really good thing. He wants to take an intensive course to help him be a better leader. I better communicator. And I'm scared of that??? (Yes, I did have a CAT scan and yes, there is nothing wrong with my brain functionality.)

I don't like it when things change. I don't like rocking my boat. I don't like to see the love of my life struggling with anything. I want to protect him. So, as much as I longed and wanted to support him... My fear outweighed all the good that could have come from it.

My fear of change. My fear of him outgrowing me. My fear of having to do more work. These were going to limit the person I wanted to see soaring to the top of the world more than anything else!!! (Yeah, I did have a headache due to the ongoing conflict in my CAT scan approved "Normal" brain.) 

Then... With the joys of Facebook... A friend who I have never met, but always makes me see the world a bit differently (in a well rounded open minded sort of way) opened me up to a new thought. It's a phrase/way of being husbands learn early in long marriages... Yes Dear.

My friend had a different way of looking at it. He believed both sides should practice it. (I know!!! Bizarre, right?!) That tiny shift in thinking was all I needed to end the tiff.

I don't have to be ok with Totally Joyful going off and doing this course. I can worry about missing him all the times he's going to be gone. I can be frustrated that I'll have more work to do around the house. AND... I can step back, say "Yes Dear" and be supportive of something he really wants.  I can look at this from his perspective and see how excited he is about this. I can see he is also scared and nervous.

Most importantly... I can see we are in this together.

So, I ask you (as I do at the end of all of these), what can you step back from and say "Yes Dear" too? What does your partner want to do that you just aren't on board with yet? Could you be? Could you be open to letting them have it their way?