Dealing With Avoidance

Remind me...
How did I get HERE!?!?

• Laundry (Including putting it away & patching holes)
• Clean the kitchen / bathroom / living room
• Find the office desk under the paperwork
• Find the dresser under the make-up & jewelry
• Fix the holes around the basement windows to keep the cold and mice out
• Insulate the crawl space
• Clean the kitty litter before she again pees somewhere else and I have to find it
• Finish (START) the canvases/artwork needed next week
• Fix the shingles on the roof
• Find out why the basement wall is leaking / how to rewire the electricity upstairs
• Purge the office, clothing, garage and basement, life
• Pay bills with the money growing on the backyard tree... (Wait, I don't HAVE a money growing tree!!! Now what?)
• Replace the bathroom cabinet / back screen door / the exterior side light
• Make money / Meet people / Network
• Create a marketing plan

There is always so much do to. I get easily overwhelmed by it all and stop, or break down, or cry, or veg in front of the TV. There are times I honestly believe that I've finally gotten a grasp on what needs to be done. I have a positive outlook that I CAN Do This!!! To find out I was only spinning my wheels and, in truth, I'm really back 5 steps.

To "deal with it" I step back, create new possibilities, figure out new ways to do without, figure out ways to do it "on the cheap." I try to stay happy about my living conditions. I remind myself I'm thankful for what I have. I try to have honest gratitude.

But... In reality, I hate where I live. I hate how I live. I hate that everywhere I look I see a minimum of 3 things that need to be done.

I spent a year living in denial. I ignored everything that needed to attention. Wanna know a secret? It didn't go away. It actually did the opposite; a lot of things, unsurprisingly, got worse. So now, I'm bleaching mold from the drywall and ceiling for days instead of having fixed the furnace drip and dealing with the water in a timely matter. I'm spending hours sorting through papers to find that needed phone number instead of managing my horizontal surfaces, time, life or behaviors.

I long to love my environment. To feel accomplished at the end of the day with a beer on a real sofa, not the twin bed pushed against the wall trying to pretend it IS a sofa. But instead I'm working till I'm falling over exhausted (on the days I'm not overwhelmed and hiding). I'm trying to put my life on track to be the adult I daydream about.

I'm learning about self-discipline and making choices; do I really really "need" that 14th plastic condiment jar, just-in-case? I'm learning that what I do today affects me tomorrow and 5 years from tomorrow. I'm learning that if I want my life to look a certain way and be a certain way, I need to keep THAT big picture in my mind when I make decisions.

I'm learning that cleaning up after avoidance is hard! And I don't like it!!!

I wish I could say, "I'm a changed woman, everything is on the right path and I'm always productive and proactive." But it seems, transforming how you do things is really hard (she said in a whiny voice with feet stomping and huge pout).

There's a saying I've heard over and over: "It took you years to get this way, it's not going to correct itself overnight."  So, I try a little bit every day. I keep my ultimate goal in mind and draw strength from it to remember Why. I will read blogs on self-discipline to encourage myself. I will remind myself over and over that I can do this!

I will proudly say, "I'm on a journey and some days are easy and go as planned, while other days are challenging and I get to go to bed really early." I'm not proud of myself for getting in this position; but I'm working at forgiving myself and being proud of getting out of it.

Goo

To very crudely paraphrase the Walt Wattles writing of Science of Getting Rich in "Betsy-isms"  --- You put your wants, desires, wishes and dreams in to the Goo and then you work your ass off getting prepared so your life is at a place where you can readily accept your wants, wishes and dreams coming true when the Goo hands them to you.

With all the trendy positive thinking going around and for various other reasons I have hear over and over again: "State your wishes." "The Universe will manifest your dreams." "All you have to do is want it hard enough." However, I never really believed it. I never understood the phrase "manifest" and thought it was being over used.

As for the Science of Getting Rich I have read the book in part a couple of times. I have the book on cd read by a good friend of mine (click here for your own copy) and listened to it a lot while driving. I've been part of a weekly phone conversation dissecting the book and the variety of meanings. So, some might say, I've been around the block with it.

BUT that last phrase has never made it into my consciousness.  "Work your ass off so your life is at a place where you can accept your dreams"

It's interesting to realize how after understating the missing line, I began to see it over and over in my life. (Unfortunately, I see it where I didn't fully put the instruction in to play.) I can see how much of an impact it made on my dreams and life.

I've been struggling with my interior design studio and twice the Goo has handed me opportunities for beautiful direct marketing perfectly targeted at my clientele. Alas, I didn't have my life in-tune to be able to accept it. Even after having it handed to me once I didn't prepare so I could jump on the chance the second time around. Kind of makes you wonder if I really wanted THAT dream.

Dream #2 -- the Goo attempts to fulfill wants I ask of it and "manifests" yet another desire I have been longing for and yet again I didn't prepare my life so I would be able to easily accept it.

It's frustrating to know I want do "it"; there's an opportunity to do it and someone wants me to do it ... But because I choose to avoid reality by watching a movie, another TV show or playing just-one-more with the snooze or a game on the iPad I miss the signs, the chances. I miss living my ideal life.

Good thing I have my dreams... That I have a stubbornness... And I have determination that won't let me pass my dreams by (at least the ones I really and truly want). So with that, today, even though my life isn't perfectly aligned, and I'm not fully ready; I'll still jump, with 2 feet, into a new life the Goo has provided for me this time. I wish it would be a beautiful graceful swan dive... But, I have a feeling it will look more like a belly flop.

Now I ask you ---

• What  are you projecting into the Goo?
• What are your hopes and dream you want the most in life?
• And MOST importantly, as I've learned, what are you doing to when your desire are handed to you, YOU can readily accept them....

Art work credit: Ocean Dreams by Josephine Wall

Hammers, Rabbits and Smiles - What Do They Have In Common?

What do you want out of Life? (I double dog dare you to answer!!!)

Me? I want to embrace "IT" fully!  I want to experience!!! Feel all emotions, hear all sounds, see all colors and SMILE; I want to continuously smile (and laugh.) I don't want to ever stop experiencing; I want to keep going and going and going...

Being able to truthfully answer the question took some inner reflection, some journaling and a lot of time. I had the "correct" answer--what others excepted to hear.  The "dream" answer--what I thought I wanted. Now, I don't care what others think. I don't care it's not big enough, not detailed enough, not ________(fill in the blank) in other's minds. I am driven to live it. I day dream about it. I long for it. I WANT it!

I spent many years just surviving, living day to day, wishing things would be different. Life was like a chipped, glued-together chotchkie sitting on the shelf collecting layers of dust. I did things, I explored, but it was inside a protective bubble. I was guarded. I was afraid of getting hurt. 

So, ya wanna know what???  I am done "wishing and hoping and thinking and praying planning, and dreaming, each night..." I'm surrounding myself with fun; with happy; with joy, positiveness and giggles.

Oh baby, don't get me wrong, some days I have to work on my attititude (or, to put another way, to not have an attitude.) On days when the truck and the dryer both break down. Or days when I bonding a bit too much with the white rabbit running late for an important date (while forgetting my coffee on the kitchen counter.) There are even some days the hammer finds it's way through the drywall... (I'm not strong enough to actually punch a hole-I need some help.) Some days smiling doesn't always come totally natural.

Mahatma Gandhi has said "Be the change you want to see in the world." One interpretation of this is that when you  practice and take the change to heart, to your soul, you start seeing it all around you. You see it in people and situations you wouldn't expect. Has it always been there?

For me, I want to live in a happy world. A place where strangers great each other with a  warm "Hi." Where we look out for each other's interest. Where we realize with are all common and all uniquely amazing.

I am committed to being that. To seeing those traits in others.  (Even if it means I'm living through "rose colored glasses".) So, when my day sucks I going to --- Stop... Breathe... Turn the music up LOUD... Dance... SMILE.  Eventually, after some good old fashion head banging I'm going to remember what "It" really is about...

Embracing life... Smiling... Fun...  Community and Success.

What is "It" about for you? Do you have an answer for "What do you want out of life?" How can we help you discover it? 

Shoes, Lots of Shoes

"Empathy:  Direct identification , understanding of, and vicarious experience of another person's situation, feelings, and motives." - Medical Dictionary

That word has been used to describe me, often. Mom and Dad also bore me with a story telling of my love / passion for bring home "stray dogs" and helping the "under dogs." (Guess I'm a bit understanding and sympathetic to people's differences.)

With the joys of managing a household by myself and singly working on house updates the realization of  how completely and totally sheltered I have been throughout life keeps hitting me in the head.  I'm a cute white girl with wonderfully supportive parents who 's only wish was for my sister and I to live a happy and easy life. Partner that with an ex who did everything for me... And I end up with an existence of  having lived a comfortable middle class life without a lot of hardships...

Until.... Until... Until I decided to break out of my cage; take the world in my hands and shake it the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks up!!! Now, more and more I gain a new or deeper understanding of  people and what life might be like for them. What's that proverb? "To understand a man, you've got to walk a mile in his shoes."

Truthfully, I don't want to walk a mile in some of the shoes I've tried on lately. The few baby steps I have stumbled are plenty for me to get a glimpse of  the bigger picture....

• I understand how people become hoarders, collecting and collecting things...  just in case and not knowing how to stop.
• I understand not being able to focus on anything besides... just... paying... bills. There's no room for self awareness when you're worried about keeping warm at night.
• I understand what it means to be overwhelmed with one project that you can't see anything else. Anything at all... Like the dirty floor in the kitchen, or the long grass in the front yard.
• I understand how easy it is to keep following the downward spiral falling farther and farther away from who you are. I understanding how hard it is to pull yourself up, one anguishing ring at a time through the water and wind filled tunnel that continually pushes you down.

On the flip side--I tried on some shoes I WANT to buy in bulk. I want a stash so that no matter how warn or tattered they are, I'll rejuvenate with a fresh pair to put on and keep going.

• I understand what it feels like to stand on my own 2 feet (admittedly, with lots of support) learning  how to become "strong."
• I understand how much power the phrase "I DID IT!"  has.
• I understand the joys  hidden within a peaceful morning; knowing there's no limit to what I can accomplish.

The last 10 months have opened my eyes and heart to many things. Some were events I thought I "knew". Others are situations I never imagined I would experience. Some are burdens people manage everyday without telling a soul.

I don't have a clue where the yellow brick road is going to take me.... I don't know how many more shoes I get to try on... I only know I'm not going to judge other people before checking out their mukluks first.

How about you? What shoes are your wearing today? Do you wanna trade for a bit?

From Smut to Kids

When I have 5 or 10 minutes or right before bed I take a little escape and read my "smut book"--a period romance novel where the helpless heroin is always in trouble and the handsome rugged hero always rescues her, then they kiss passionately driven from pent up passion and desire. Another description would be "a description of what women long for romance to be and what men cringe at wondering *why* while not being able to wrap their heads around it." I admit they're not the most noble of read material, but they are one of my weaknesses--and I'm ok with that.

In the book I'm reading now there was a section that caught my attention: ".... Harriet ... never once questioning that these things should be done for her."

As I work along today I kept going back to that line, thinking about it, pondering it, and re-pondering. To clarify for you a bit... as I'm working and thinking (because painting doesn't take much brain power, your mind has lots of time to wonder) I'm allowing myself to get frustrated that the guy I'm dating hasn't come to my rescue this weekend. He hasn't helped me with my remodel when I have done his laundry, cooked his meals, and kept his coffee/water glass filled. In essence I have put his needs before my own in hopes he will see me, fall madly in love with me, sweep me off my feet and rescue me. (I truly feel sorry for men and the unknown expectations women put on them)

Really Betsy??? *as I hang my head in my hands and slowly shake it in bewilderment*

I AM secretly waiting for a dude to "be my savior"... And that SUCKS! Over and over again I have learned that doesn't happen, and even it could, it most likely wouldn't happen the way I wanted it to. So, why do I keep hoping, believing it could happen? (If I  keep it up too long I'll need to invest in  a punching bag to relieve my growing frustrations.)

Do I have a Hope spring bubbling over because I'm afraid of doing this (ok, everything) on my own? Because I have low self-esteem? Maybe because deep down inside I believe men rescue women and do the heavy lifting and women take care of men and nurture them?

No matter what the reason, a change in attitude is needed! I am NOT a helpless female. I am Not week or simple minded! I AM determined. I AM resourceful. I AM intelligent. And I AM too suborn to believe I can't....  

These are great inspirational thoughts. They temporarily motivate me and make me feel good. I logically understand them and yes, I am each of these and more. But, I need to believe them to my core, down to the deepest parts of my soul. I guess it's time to look in the mirror at my beautiful face and say after myself "I think I can... I think I can.... I think I can..."

Come on... Say it with me. You know you want to... " I think I can..."

Are You Missing the "Just Do It" Drive?

The day started 12 hours ago with a 3-column "To Do" list, high hopes for an active a day, and wishes for crossing lots of things off. Yeah, not so much. I did enjoy the sun while lazily running errands, and I had a long nap.

It is now 7:30 PM and I'm in a mild panic: "What am I going to do? I have to get this stuff done! I have wasted yet another day!"

I met with a potential new client this week who opened her business a mere 10 months ago. She is booked consistently and having a great time being pulled in multiple directions. During our meeting she juggled 3 different activities gracefully without leaving anything unattended or left out.

As I got to know her and her needs better, I  realized she didn't ponder. She didn't spend lots of time weighing pros and cons. She didn't re-asses her plans at every crossroad. Instead she knew what needed to be accomplished, and did it.

WOW, what a concept! Just do what needs to be done. (We do realize I'm sitting here analyzing life, typing this, re-reading it 5 times for typos, finding the perfect picture--all of this, instead of doing anything on my "To Do" list.)

In a wonderful test of "Life Just Happens," Tuesday night I got some sh**y news. The housemate that was suppose to move in, the very next day, wasn't. I realized it because there were no responses to my questions via text-messages (the joys of great communication skills.) I broke down for the following 36 hours. I couldn't do more than sleep, cry, or focus on the negativity of life no matter how hard I tried. In all honesty, I haven't been very motivated for the last 48 hours either. Productive procrastination has become an art form around here lately. You'll notice, this is in total contrast to the prospective client, who I am very envious of.

Un-motivation is a problem I have a lot. I don't have the Just-Do-It drive. I've been told too often: "It's ok. You push yourself too much; you need rest." "It's ok. You have a lot to overcome and you're just overwhelmed. You'll get to it tomorrow."

The reality is that I'm single, living on my own, my family is in another state, and I'm unemployed! I need to make money, find a housemate and pay bills! I NEED THE JUST-DO-IT DRIVE!

My question is: How do I find it within me? What ritual do I need to perform? Is it as simple as going out and buying Nike? (Please tell me--because if it is I'm on my way to buy an entire wardrobe and wear it every day!)

I think it's all about never giving up. Not ever. No matter what. It is accepting when I am unproductive and realizing it's ok. It's starting on the "Do List" whenever, no matter what time of day is, what the weather is like outside, what others say... It's Just doing it. Over and over and over... And over and over and over... And over and over and over again. It's admitting that occasionally it sucks and blows chunks all at the same time--but you still just do it. It's believing in yourself and your needs more than worrying about the what ifs.

And with that pep talk, I'm outta here! I'm off to Just Go Do It! (Who cares that it's Saturday night at 9pm? I'm starting!) Wanna join me?

No Need To Worry - Discrimination Is Alive and Doing Well

One thing that fascinates me is how our "defaults" control our lives. (I do admit, there are many many things that our subconscious does that just blows me away, this is just the one I'm going to get on my soapbox about today.)

 I use "default" to describe what I / people do without thinking; our programmed response even before we have time to process the information; what our mind does because that is what it has always done and will keep on doing over and over and over again, till we spend the time and energy to reprogram ourselves to react another way.  

The most resent slap-in-the-face of a default happened last week. To quickly set the stage:

1. I'm female.
2. I have my own interior design studio I'm attempting to build into my livelihood.
3. I'm in the middle of a remodel I'm over my head in.
4. I'm a women's right advocate and believe we are just as important as men and deserve the same respect and treatment.
5. I'm proudly a tiny bit of an airhead (it makes life with me fun!)

Here's what happened....

A very nice person responded to my posted plea on social media  for painting help; a builder offered me 4 hours of labor!!! (Wow; insert happy dance here.) I checked out who it was, looked at the profile, the pictures (all of which were of work done, nothing showing the person,) miss read the name, got excited, daydreamed about networking with *her*.  Within a day I had created in my mind a new friend and a chick-y-poo I could build a professional women building crew with. I was completely geeked about how amazingly we were going to connect during the hours she was volunteering her professional time to me without expecting any monetary compensation for her skills and knowledge.

The morning of the "get-together" arrived... The builder called confirming details and giving me a time frame of when *HE* would be here. There was a MAN's voice on the other end!!! I totally messed up the name and the sex of the person coming over!!! --- This is where it gets interesting --- I'm fine about a man coming over, as an interior designer I work with contractors all the time, this is second nature to me. The completely surprising, mind-blowing thing is that my first thought was "I need to pay him!"

When I (a women business person and women's right advocate) thought it was a chick coming over, I NEVER thought to pay her.  But, the second I discovered it was a guy - the tables turned and I moved to my default programming of "I needed to compensate for his inconvenience."  

I wasn't alone in this notion... After hanging up the phone I immediately called a close friend to update him on the change and to ask what I should do; his response: "Well, in that case you should pay him..."

Just for clarification - two small business owners, both believing in equal rights for men and women, had no problem NOT paying a hard working, knowledged and skilled  female builder, and believed, without a questioning doubt, that a man we knew nothing about deserved to be finically compensated for volunteering his time to help me.

REALLY!!! What an eye opener! I am speechless I did this! It was completely against what I say I'm committed to!!! Nice to know I have a unknown default about how men and women should be treated. I will admit, it does give me a deeper understand about why I do things. I hope I will work on my programming. I truly hope I will do things differently in the future. I hope... I hope... I hope... 

I'm curious... What would you have done? What's your default? Is it in tune with your commitments? Are you sure? (I thought I knew what I would have done.)