Hammers, Rabbits and Smiles - What Do They Have In Common?

What do you want out of Life? (I double dog dare you to answer!!!)

Me? I want to embrace "IT" fully!  I want to experience!!! Feel all emotions, hear all sounds, see all colors and SMILE; I want to continuously smile (and laugh.) I don't want to ever stop experiencing; I want to keep going and going and going...

Being able to truthfully answer the question took some inner reflection, some journaling and a lot of time. I had the "correct" answer--what others excepted to hear.  The "dream" answer--what I thought I wanted. Now, I don't care what others think. I don't care it's not big enough, not detailed enough, not ________(fill in the blank) in other's minds. I am driven to live it. I day dream about it. I long for it. I WANT it!

I spent many years just surviving, living day to day, wishing things would be different. Life was like a chipped, glued-together chotchkie sitting on the shelf collecting layers of dust. I did things, I explored, but it was inside a protective bubble. I was guarded. I was afraid of getting hurt. 

So, ya wanna know what???  I am done "wishing and hoping and thinking and praying planning, and dreaming, each night..." I'm surrounding myself with fun; with happy; with joy, positiveness and giggles.

Oh baby, don't get me wrong, some days I have to work on my attititude (or, to put another way, to not have an attitude.) On days when the truck and the dryer both break down. Or days when I bonding a bit too much with the white rabbit running late for an important date (while forgetting my coffee on the kitchen counter.) There are even some days the hammer finds it's way through the drywall... (I'm not strong enough to actually punch a hole-I need some help.) Some days smiling doesn't always come totally natural.

Mahatma Gandhi has said "Be the change you want to see in the world." One interpretation of this is that when you  practice and take the change to heart, to your soul, you start seeing it all around you. You see it in people and situations you wouldn't expect. Has it always been there?

For me, I want to live in a happy world. A place where strangers great each other with a  warm "Hi." Where we look out for each other's interest. Where we realize with are all common and all uniquely amazing.

I am committed to being that. To seeing those traits in others.  (Even if it means I'm living through "rose colored glasses".) So, when my day sucks I going to --- Stop... Breathe... Turn the music up LOUD... Dance... SMILE.  Eventually, after some good old fashion head banging I'm going to remember what "It" really is about...

Embracing life... Smiling... Fun...  Community and Success.

What is "It" about for you? Do you have an answer for "What do you want out of life?" How can we help you discover it? 

Shoes, Lots of Shoes

"Empathy:  Direct identification , understanding of, and vicarious experience of another person's situation, feelings, and motives." - Medical Dictionary

That word has been used to describe me, often. Mom and Dad also bore me with a story telling of my love / passion for bring home "stray dogs" and helping the "under dogs." (Guess I'm a bit understanding and sympathetic to people's differences.)

With the joys of managing a household by myself and singly working on house updates the realization of  how completely and totally sheltered I have been throughout life keeps hitting me in the head.  I'm a cute white girl with wonderfully supportive parents who 's only wish was for my sister and I to live a happy and easy life. Partner that with an ex who did everything for me... And I end up with an existence of  having lived a comfortable middle class life without a lot of hardships...

Until.... Until... Until I decided to break out of my cage; take the world in my hands and shake it the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks up!!! Now, more and more I gain a new or deeper understanding of  people and what life might be like for them. What's that proverb? "To understand a man, you've got to walk a mile in his shoes."

Truthfully, I don't want to walk a mile in some of the shoes I've tried on lately. The few baby steps I have stumbled are plenty for me to get a glimpse of  the bigger picture....

• I understand how people become hoarders, collecting and collecting things...  just in case and not knowing how to stop.
• I understand not being able to focus on anything besides... just... paying... bills. There's no room for self awareness when you're worried about keeping warm at night.
• I understand what it means to be overwhelmed with one project that you can't see anything else. Anything at all... Like the dirty floor in the kitchen, or the long grass in the front yard.
• I understand how easy it is to keep following the downward spiral falling farther and farther away from who you are. I understanding how hard it is to pull yourself up, one anguishing ring at a time through the water and wind filled tunnel that continually pushes you down.

On the flip side--I tried on some shoes I WANT to buy in bulk. I want a stash so that no matter how warn or tattered they are, I'll rejuvenate with a fresh pair to put on and keep going.

• I understand what it feels like to stand on my own 2 feet (admittedly, with lots of support) learning  how to become "strong."
• I understand how much power the phrase "I DID IT!"  has.
• I understand the joys  hidden within a peaceful morning; knowing there's no limit to what I can accomplish.

The last 10 months have opened my eyes and heart to many things. Some were events I thought I "knew". Others are situations I never imagined I would experience. Some are burdens people manage everyday without telling a soul.

I don't have a clue where the yellow brick road is going to take me.... I don't know how many more shoes I get to try on... I only know I'm not going to judge other people before checking out their mukluks first.

How about you? What shoes are your wearing today? Do you wanna trade for a bit?

From Smut to Kids

When I have 5 or 10 minutes or right before bed I take a little escape and read my "smut book"--a period romance novel where the helpless heroin is always in trouble and the handsome rugged hero always rescues her, then they kiss passionately driven from pent up passion and desire. Another description would be "a description of what women long for romance to be and what men cringe at wondering *why* while not being able to wrap their heads around it." I admit they're not the most noble of read material, but they are one of my weaknesses--and I'm ok with that.

In the book I'm reading now there was a section that caught my attention: ".... Harriet ... never once questioning that these things should be done for her."

As I work along today I kept going back to that line, thinking about it, pondering it, and re-pondering. To clarify for you a bit... as I'm working and thinking (because painting doesn't take much brain power, your mind has lots of time to wonder) I'm allowing myself to get frustrated that the guy I'm dating hasn't come to my rescue this weekend. He hasn't helped me with my remodel when I have done his laundry, cooked his meals, and kept his coffee/water glass filled. In essence I have put his needs before my own in hopes he will see me, fall madly in love with me, sweep me off my feet and rescue me. (I truly feel sorry for men and the unknown expectations women put on them)

Really Betsy??? *as I hang my head in my hands and slowly shake it in bewilderment*

I AM secretly waiting for a dude to "be my savior"... And that SUCKS! Over and over again I have learned that doesn't happen, and even it could, it most likely wouldn't happen the way I wanted it to. So, why do I keep hoping, believing it could happen? (If I  keep it up too long I'll need to invest in  a punching bag to relieve my growing frustrations.)

Do I have a Hope spring bubbling over because I'm afraid of doing this (ok, everything) on my own? Because I have low self-esteem? Maybe because deep down inside I believe men rescue women and do the heavy lifting and women take care of men and nurture them?

No matter what the reason, a change in attitude is needed! I am NOT a helpless female. I am Not week or simple minded! I AM determined. I AM resourceful. I AM intelligent. And I AM too suborn to believe I can't....  

These are great inspirational thoughts. They temporarily motivate me and make me feel good. I logically understand them and yes, I am each of these and more. But, I need to believe them to my core, down to the deepest parts of my soul. I guess it's time to look in the mirror at my beautiful face and say after myself "I think I can... I think I can.... I think I can..."

Come on... Say it with me. You know you want to... " I think I can..."

Are You Missing the "Just Do It" Drive?

The day started 12 hours ago with a 3-column "To Do" list, high hopes for an active a day, and wishes for crossing lots of things off. Yeah, not so much. I did enjoy the sun while lazily running errands, and I had a long nap.

It is now 7:30 PM and I'm in a mild panic: "What am I going to do? I have to get this stuff done! I have wasted yet another day!"

I met with a potential new client this week who opened her business a mere 10 months ago. She is booked consistently and having a great time being pulled in multiple directions. During our meeting she juggled 3 different activities gracefully without leaving anything unattended or left out.

As I got to know her and her needs better, I  realized she didn't ponder. She didn't spend lots of time weighing pros and cons. She didn't re-asses her plans at every crossroad. Instead she knew what needed to be accomplished, and did it.

WOW, what a concept! Just do what needs to be done. (We do realize I'm sitting here analyzing life, typing this, re-reading it 5 times for typos, finding the perfect picture--all of this, instead of doing anything on my "To Do" list.)

In a wonderful test of "Life Just Happens," Tuesday night I got some sh**y news. The housemate that was suppose to move in, the very next day, wasn't. I realized it because there were no responses to my questions via text-messages (the joys of great communication skills.) I broke down for the following 36 hours. I couldn't do more than sleep, cry, or focus on the negativity of life no matter how hard I tried. In all honesty, I haven't been very motivated for the last 48 hours either. Productive procrastination has become an art form around here lately. You'll notice, this is in total contrast to the prospective client, who I am very envious of.

Un-motivation is a problem I have a lot. I don't have the Just-Do-It drive. I've been told too often: "It's ok. You push yourself too much; you need rest." "It's ok. You have a lot to overcome and you're just overwhelmed. You'll get to it tomorrow."

The reality is that I'm single, living on my own, my family is in another state, and I'm unemployed! I need to make money, find a housemate and pay bills! I NEED THE JUST-DO-IT DRIVE!

My question is: How do I find it within me? What ritual do I need to perform? Is it as simple as going out and buying Nike? (Please tell me--because if it is I'm on my way to buy an entire wardrobe and wear it every day!)

I think it's all about never giving up. Not ever. No matter what. It is accepting when I am unproductive and realizing it's ok. It's starting on the "Do List" whenever, no matter what time of day is, what the weather is like outside, what others say... It's Just doing it. Over and over and over... And over and over and over... And over and over and over again. It's admitting that occasionally it sucks and blows chunks all at the same time--but you still just do it. It's believing in yourself and your needs more than worrying about the what ifs.

And with that pep talk, I'm outta here! I'm off to Just Go Do It! (Who cares that it's Saturday night at 9pm? I'm starting!) Wanna join me?

No Need To Worry - Discrimination Is Alive and Doing Well

One thing that fascinates me is how our "defaults" control our lives. (I do admit, there are many many things that our subconscious does that just blows me away, this is just the one I'm going to get on my soapbox about today.)

 I use "default" to describe what I / people do without thinking; our programmed response even before we have time to process the information; what our mind does because that is what it has always done and will keep on doing over and over and over again, till we spend the time and energy to reprogram ourselves to react another way.  

The most resent slap-in-the-face of a default happened last week. To quickly set the stage:

1. I'm female.
2. I have my own interior design studio I'm attempting to build into my livelihood.
3. I'm in the middle of a remodel I'm over my head in.
4. I'm a women's right advocate and believe we are just as important as men and deserve the same respect and treatment.
5. I'm proudly a tiny bit of an airhead (it makes life with me fun!)

Here's what happened....

A very nice person responded to my posted plea on social media  for painting help; a builder offered me 4 hours of labor!!! (Wow; insert happy dance here.) I checked out who it was, looked at the profile, the pictures (all of which were of work done, nothing showing the person,) miss read the name, got excited, daydreamed about networking with *her*.  Within a day I had created in my mind a new friend and a chick-y-poo I could build a professional women building crew with. I was completely geeked about how amazingly we were going to connect during the hours she was volunteering her professional time to me without expecting any monetary compensation for her skills and knowledge.

The morning of the "get-together" arrived... The builder called confirming details and giving me a time frame of when *HE* would be here. There was a MAN's voice on the other end!!! I totally messed up the name and the sex of the person coming over!!! --- This is where it gets interesting --- I'm fine about a man coming over, as an interior designer I work with contractors all the time, this is second nature to me. The completely surprising, mind-blowing thing is that my first thought was "I need to pay him!"

When I (a women business person and women's right advocate) thought it was a chick coming over, I NEVER thought to pay her.  But, the second I discovered it was a guy - the tables turned and I moved to my default programming of "I needed to compensate for his inconvenience."  

I wasn't alone in this notion... After hanging up the phone I immediately called a close friend to update him on the change and to ask what I should do; his response: "Well, in that case you should pay him..."

Just for clarification - two small business owners, both believing in equal rights for men and women, had no problem NOT paying a hard working, knowledged and skilled  female builder, and believed, without a questioning doubt, that a man we knew nothing about deserved to be finically compensated for volunteering his time to help me.

REALLY!!! What an eye opener! I am speechless I did this! It was completely against what I say I'm committed to!!! Nice to know I have a unknown default about how men and women should be treated. I will admit, it does give me a deeper understand about why I do things. I hope I will work on my programming. I truly hope I will do things differently in the future. I hope... I hope... I hope... 

I'm curious... What would you have done? What's your default? Is it in tune with your commitments? Are you sure? (I thought I knew what I would have done.)

Blight on Society??? (Nope, not really)

Since being unemployed, yesterday was the first day I felt like the "leach" on society. The "failure" of the no prospects. The lazy of the "why don't you just get a job". And ya know what? That feeling SUCKS! It's NOT MY FAULT I'm here. Ok... it's not totally my fault. I will take responsibility and I will admit I have been holding back on the job hunt stuff (like writing a resume, or even looking to see what's out there.) A lot of my co-works have found new jobs and are happy.  But here I sit, banging my head again and a again.

Over the years I have created a block, a thick, strong stone wall constructed by the best masons throughout time, that stops me dead in the tracks of progression. I sit. I cry. I pull myself up and figure out a new path. Then magically, that "darn" wall gets stronger, finds me and stops me in my tracks... AGAIN.  I give up what I want. I don't follow through when I should. I watch too much tv. I stop trying and go back the easy Siren's song of retail. And, I'm TIRED of it! I want to stop sabotaging myself, break through and be successful! I deserve it don't I???

The frosting on yesterday's cake was the fact I had a party to attend. A party in luxurious condo, a host I barely know and want to impress, other guests who are "very" successful and ME (the blight on society.) YUG!!!!! Not a happy camper!!!! Nope!!! It was time to pull up those big girl panties, hold my head up high, fake it till I make and remember I am more than my "job" or my bank statement (never an easy thing to do.) Needless to say, I wasn't good company on the drive there. (Sorry dude) But... I went.

 As we got out of the car and strolled slowly to the door, the "social" Betsy started to come to life. I unpacked our food to pass, started talking about what I made, what they made and everyone was drinking wine. The YUG!!!!! fear-coating around me was falling off in large chunks; I was relaxing and letting myself come out from hiding. I could carry on conversations. I asked intelligent questions. I found out interesting information about my new friends. I couldn't hide my passion for interior design and was called out on it; but was ok because it IS one of my strongest passions. Employed or not, owner/designer or not, I am passionate about furniture, design, people and people's homes, AND I can't hide it!!!

My day was ruined because I was worked about how other's saw me. What they would say?  I was making up stories how they would view me... "Haven't you done anything today?"  "Are you Ever going to look for a job?" "I've been at work ALL day, what have you done?" The realization... At the end of the day, noone said any of that. Instead they said "When are we going to do this again?" "This was so much fun!" "I can't wait to see you again."

Lesson learned: Stay out of your Head... Stay on track... Don't worry about the wall, just keep going... Remember you are more than your "job" and bank statement... And soon YOU will have the magic to walk right through the wall, no matter where it appears.

To Do Lists

" He who fails to plan, plans to fail."- Proverb

My To Do List might be different, but it will get me the same results ---  More to to life!

"To Do Lists" Every day we write down what we *need* to get done, then at night we look at what we got done and didn't get done. Some of us rate our self-esteem on how many checkmarks or strikethrough lines there are while thinking "I could have done better; I'm a slacker; Why can't I manage time better."  Others look and think "Wow, look at everything I've done; What I didn't get to today, I'll do tomorrow." Then others write the list then never look at it again thinking "I wrote it down, I'll remember what I have to do." And some, don't writing anything down, they rely on their master list to draw from or will make it up as the day unfolds.

I have done each of those scenarios. Not surprisingly, depending on the circumstances and my mind set, they have had different outcomes. When I have to *punch a clock* my to do lists are followed, checked off, analyzed at the end of the day then the appropriated modifications are made to the following day's list. There I am productive, know what I need to keep updated to my boss, things move smoothly. At home I'll write one, I'll even look at it a couple of times and strikethrough an item or two. But more typically, I'll end up focusing on something not on any list that "has to get done" and be mad at myself at the end of the day.

Today makes the beginning of the third week I've been unemployed and I'm realizing my typical way of doing things isn't working. I have no job leads, the house isn't any farther completed, nor is the yard any prettier. But the cabinet is 1/2 painted, lots of tv has be caught up on, and many shops have been explored... This ain't working. This is not the life I want to live. This is not my dream and has no form of integrity in it!

So... I'm trying on something different for the week. I'm playing a game with myself. I'm going to try to stick to my plan. I'm going to see how well I can stick to my guns and I'm going to see what happens. I'm not going to give myself an out. I'm going to hold myself accountable for what needs to be done. I'm not going to flutter around anymore and see where I land. I AM going to make a list, check things off. I AM going to play this game of LIFE!

I'm excited to see what is created and what is reveled at the end of the week. I'm excited to see what it look like when the game level is complete and I get to go on to the next one. So... How are you with your to do list? Do you have the life you want? What game are you going to play with yourself to get your life?

Getting the Anger Out

Last fall and early winter I was jogging all the time, ok 3 or 4 days a week. I LOVED it. I specially loved jogging in the early morning and watching the world wake up; or running during the stillness of night when everything was quiet. It was my escape from my reality, form the confusion and the extreme changes I was gladly putting on myself.

Since the snow came and left I haven't even been out for a walk let alone a empty your mind jog. I was becoming conditioned to except my life where it was. Instead of fighting back I was "enjoying" the spring curled up on the sofa wasting away crying, sleeping or watching tv show after show not having any energy to do anything. 

The frustrating thing was, I love exercising. I love power trip I get from lifting free weights. I get inspired by seeing what other people have done in their yards.  I get a satisfaction from seeing a skinnier waist and toned arms. BUT... I need anger to exercise. Like most people it is hard for me to get out Newton's First Law of Motion: An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force; An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Anger is my unbalanced force.

In the 10 months since I moved out my life has not become a Zen like peaceful household. Just the contrary: losing 2 jobs, being told I need to be more independent, the irritation of a home remodel, overcoming feelings abandonment, learning how to manage a home and learning how to be single. I skirt away from the  "woe is me" (although the weekends on the couch were leaning that way.) I don't believe my life is any harder than anyone else's life, just different.  But there wasn't any anger. I wasn't mad enough to change.  I was longing to jog, to get the growing blackness out of me. Even though it wasn't surfacing; it was hiding behind tears, behind screams, not willing to step  up and be my "unbalanced force" of change.

Till today. Leave it to a boy to unknowingly piss off a girl without having any idea in the littlest bit. Everything fell into alignment.  My anger and I put on the cute jogging skirt, my colorful shirt, worn shoes and off we went with the strong beat and angst of the Gorillaz playing loudly for encouragement.

40 minutes later I came home accompanied instead with the feeling of power restored to my aura, tight leg muscles and a very hungry belly! Life isn't perfect, but I think I can stay off the sofa for a while and go back to overcoming my life...

Overwhelm Paralysis vs. Following Your Dreams

I HAVE A HOUSE!!!!

I have a HOUSE!!!

I HAVE a house?!?!?

I have for the first time in my life, a place all to myself to do whatever I want. I'm free to design it, to paint rooms different shades of pink. I get to make it reflect my personality, my style, and showcase what I can do as an interior designer.  And, I get to do it all myself. Prove to myself, and the world, that I can do anything, of course.

I have spent 3 weeks sitting in overwhelm paralysis. I think about what needs to be done. I write to do lists for each room (the upstairs suite only has 25 things that need to be done.) I come up with  different game plans to get rooms finished. But, somehow spend the night watching Hulu instead of caulking.

I have even noticed that it's getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed in the morning. (I do blame the winter cold and lack of sun, because, ya know it's not me.) Eight to ten hours of sleep at night is more common than I would like to admit.

Friends tell me it's "Ok." That "You are going through a lot." Or that "You have a lot on your plate right now." I have good friends! I do! But I want so very much more than where I'm at right now! I want to have my dream home when I walk into my house! I want to have a successful company. I want to have balance of play, work and romance.

I will admit. I am gaining a new perspective about life, about following your dreams, for not letting anything stand in your way. I also have a new appreciation for what my clients go through. When your house is in disarray, when your treasures are packed away and you can only find half of what you need (and, of course, it is the half you're not looking for,) it really troughs you out of sync, messes up your daily routine. It makes you feel less of a person.

So, I'll come up with a new idea. Try a new game plan. Set another alarm clock placing it farther away in another room. But no matter what... I'm not giving up. I want this! I'm willing to work for it.

What do you want? What are you scared of? Why don't you join me, we can take the journey together and help one-another.