A couple of weeks ago, while hanging out and talking with
some friends one of them stated "You're Hot. Do you realize how hot you
are?" I responded "I know; I work hard at it" and then preceded
to blow it off, making light of it.
I was at a girlfriend's house with her kids, the talk
turned to a boy hitting on her 15 year old daughter. The daughter hadn't
notice, thought the boy was being polite and chatty. It was the next
statement that made me take pause - someone said "Doesn't it make you feel
good know a boy was flirting with you?"
Then a guy I know claimed, in a matter of fact statement,
that I was totally in his league as a response to my explanation that he was
way out of mine.
As I work my way through being single after eight years,
mixed with the re-development of my strengths, along with finding myself, and
the added insecurities of starting to date again ---- I look at people, watch
them interact and my mind goes off reeling about what they go through
every day. What they do? Why do they do it?
I work hard to be attractive to the opposite sex. I
admit, I don't dress in the current trends (I've been told I have my own unique style.) Nor do
I work at taming my rat's nest hair into some something high style. But, I do
work on my energy. I do walk with confidence (when I really do not have it). I
make sure I own my outfit and
feel comfortable. I do all this because knowing I'm getting
checked out makes me smile, makes me proud, and THAT is where I have a
problem. My default programming of allowing myself to be judged and caring what
that meant is at odds the confident independent women I long to be.
Why do I care if I'm hot?
Why do I straighten my back a bit more when I know someone is looking? Why does
my self-esteem relate to what someone thinks? And more importantly, why is this
being programmed into the next generation?
Why don't I truly, without a doubt, believe I'm the
strong free-wheeling women I attempt to portray to the world? Why is it just an act I play with?
Why is it easier to believe I'm the ugly, untalented, absent minded, funny (in
an odd way) girl?
Why is it that even though I'm told regularly
"You're special" (in a good way), "You're strong," or
"There-is-just-something-about-you" - my programming makes it easier
for me to believe I'm just Hot.
Maybe it's time I really stopped trying to impress other
people and truly believe in myself for myself. Be done "Faking it till I
make it." Instead, aim to just Making It!
Wanna join me?
