Making My Way Back to Happy

The happy one. The one that's there for people. The one that always sees the positive side of things. There to lift you up. That's been my roll since I was 13. I am proud to be that person! I love being that person! And, I do it pretty damn well!

But lately I haven't been there. I have been snapping at people. Not caring about their feelings. Feeling pulled in multiple directions, feeling suffocated, overwhelmed and just small, dirty and unhappy. No matter what I tried I couldn't get out of it. Sleeping in, jogging, eating, being with friends. They each worked for a short time, then the overwhelmed and anger would quickly creep back in.  I tried writing the blog post to work through it - but that just sounded like I was a whiny bitch, and who wants to read about that?!?!

It occurred to me today that in the mist of all the chaos in my life, I know a quiet office that is away from everything.. So I "barrowed" it for what I thought would be just the afternoon; 8 hours later I'm still here. It was so nice being somewhere without stuff. Without responsibilities. Without people, distractions, projects, and piles (I can't even find my desk at home, there are tools, paint chips, magazines, nails, screws and bunch of other things on it.) It was nice to be there.

At 8pm I just gave up. After 5 hours of fighting with myself and my website, not getting any work done, playing with shiny social media, I gave in. Broke down and cried. Allowed myself some self pity. Oh, it felt so very very good. And I had a lot to pity - my car, my ended relationship, my tiny living space, my fears. Bunches and bunches of pity... But I truly believe that my pities are no better or different than anyone else's. We all have our fears, our cars, our relationships, our homes.

So, I decided it was time to clam mine, to figure out what was at the core of this small, dirty, unhappiness. I listed a entire page, single spaced and small handwriting, of things! I had 10" of things on my mind. No wonder why there was no room for anything else. As I looked over the paper I noticed 3 words repeating - Afraid, Not, and Wanting. Those are 3 words I'm working hard and getting rid of. They are limiting. They stop you.  I wanted to understand why all this negative and at the same time I wanted to diminish it. On a new page I started at the top of the list and rewrote the sentence in a positive way and why it was this way and suggestions to make it so.

The internet spotty at home --- I have the "Barrowed" office I can come here whenever I need to and be welcomed.

Not liking my car --- The little blue alien gets me from point A to point B. It holds a lot of things. So empty it. Take the items to the recycling, donations. Honor your car, for it is a part of you. Enjoy the time you get to be in it. It is a stick have fun every now and then.

 Afraid of _________ (there were a lot of these, pick one) --- This was the changing point.  I realized Hell Yes I'm afraid... But, I'M NOT INTIMIDATED. I might be slowed down, living a bit in avoidance, but I'm not turning tail. And I'm not stopping.

Then all things started opening up. I need to honor my needs more. Who I am. How I work. And, I need to be ok with that. Yes, my living quarters are tight, but the alternative is my parents have moved to Seattle and I see them once every 2 years (not looking forward to that, give me the closeness!) I realized everything I'm stressing about has a solution. Some are easy; some aren't so easy. But I can do it! I have a game plan. And once you have that, there is no stopping you!

So, what are you feeling overwhelmed about? Could you make a list? Could you turn them each into a positive thing? Then make a game plan? Could you work your way back to happy?

Intimidation

Before challenge of wall paper removal & shelf destruction 

I read a quote last week. It’s all I've been thinking about when my mind starts wondering.

“The results you produce in life will be inversely proportional to the degree to which you are intimidated.” – Robert Ringer

When I first read it, it moved me and gave me a feeling of empowerment. But, I didn’t know if I really understood it… Had a discussion about it with a friend, and I did understand… Causing me to like it more.

As I thought about the quote I realized a contradiction in myself. In my head I’m completely and totally non-intimidated. I can do anything! (I do have a cape and a tiara to prove it) Then, there is the real me - the timid one who is afraid to ask/charge my professional worth, afraid to talk to someone at a networking event. I get nervous about beginning a new project, specially when I’ve never done it before. Considering I’m starting a whole new life full of changes and new ideas intimidation is NOT the best of traits.

The quote also got me analyzing the success of some of my “friends” (I have spend a fair amount of  time in the car this week.)  

There is a man I follow on Twitter who is rocking out in the website world. I read his tweets about contracts being signed, clients liking his work, showing him respect.  I imagine there is pressure to create these, get new clients and maintain the ones he has, but he always appears happy, positive. Nothing seems to stop him. Nothing seems to intimidate him. He use to play pro-football… After sitting down today watching the Loins play and really paying attention to what happens to those boys on the field...  I understand a bit better why he has so much confidence. With the responsibility of the game there is no way a client could do anything to make him question himself.

A very good friend of mine is a top sales person regularly brings in million dollar contracts (for a training program!) This guy could sell ice to an Eskimo. I always admired him, his integrity. He does the right thing. , doesn’t get swayed and stands firm. He is not intimidated (has however, intimidated me often.) Then I remember he use to be one of the people responsible or pushing the big red GO button for a nuclear missile when he was in the Navy. (just think, I can’t even handle killing a spider.) I cannot imagine what that would feel like. That level of doing what you’re told.

As I rebuild my life, the life I’ve been dreaming about, and create a house reflecting hope, my personality, and the future… I get scared. Am I doing the right thing? How am I going to learn to do THAT? Where is the money going to come from? Are they going to like my design ideas? Then I think about the quote:

“The results you produce in life will be inversely proportional to the degree to which you are intimidated.” – Robert Ringer

I think about all my “friends” that are going through so much and not being intimidated and standing in their own right:

• My beautiful friend watching her husband deal with cancer!
• My talent friend who is getting his masters in interior design, while working as a physician and still has time for his partner and friends!
• My amazing and wonderful cousin who married her girlfriend and they just gave birth to twins!

After I kick some booty!

You all inspire me so much… So, I put on my Big Girl Panties and I work on growing my large colorful wings and remember NOT to be intimated by whatever/whoever comes in my way!

Too Little Too Late?

I’ve tried for 40 minutes to write something profound and moving. I just can’t paint the picture I want. Creatively tie all the feelings together with a common thread. So, I’m just going to put my foot in my mouth a couple of times and just say it.

My ex and I have been talking almost daily since I moved out. (the joys of our two companies working hand in hand) At first we were using our best polite voices. Now we are getting a tad more “normal” sounding. But the interesting thing is… The things that bothered him before, he likes. For example, I was getting passionate about how he needs to do something. Before he would say calm down, shushing me and my emotions (to a response of me yelling louder, storming off and crying); today he said, it is ok, he likes it, it shows I still care. Then he went on about the pressures of work, I began to tune it out like normal, but instead I asked if he was happy with his job and said he mostly only talks of the bad things.  A long couple of moments later the conversation turned to the clients he does like and the nice things they have been saying about him. He even said he liked his job and his homeowners. I haven’t heard him talk like that for years.

This has got me thinking. What would have happened if we could have talked like this BEFORE I packed up my treasures, taken away a Sunday morning in 9 of my friends’ lives, and moved into my parent’s home? What would have happened if I knew he was happy, instead of totally miserable? If he understood my over jealousness was my way of showing how deep and passionate I care? I don’t know if it would have made a difference. But it is nice to know we are developing an understanding of each other.

I guess my request to everyone is… Please “look” at what your partner is saying. Could you interpret it differently? Is something a trait you originally fell in love with, and if so, can you find that interest in it again? “Look” at what you are bringing to the dinner table. What are you saying every night? Are you only talking about the bad?  When was the last time you stopped, looked them in the eye and said “I love the way you….”

I'm off the soap box now... Thanks for listening to me un-eloquently ramble on my thoughts. Have a great day!