The happy one. The one that's there for people. The one that
always sees the positive side of things. There to lift you up. That's been my
roll since I was 13. I am proud to be that person! I love being that person!
And, I do it pretty damn well!
But lately I haven't been there. I have been snapping at
people. Not caring about their feelings. Feeling pulled in multiple directions,
feeling suffocated, overwhelmed and just small, dirty and unhappy. No matter
what I tried I couldn't get out of it. Sleeping in, jogging, eating, being with
friends. They each worked for a short time, then the overwhelmed and anger would
quickly creep back in. I tried writing
the blog post to work through it - but that just sounded like I was a whiny
bitch, and who wants to read about that?!?!
It occurred to me today that in the mist of all the chaos in
my life, I know a quiet office that is away from everything.. So I
"barrowed" it for what I thought would be just the afternoon; 8 hours
later I'm still here. It was so nice being somewhere without stuff. Without responsibilities.
Without people, distractions, projects, and piles (I can't even find my desk at
home, there are tools, paint chips, magazines, nails, screws and bunch of other
things on it.) It was nice to be there.
At 8pm I just gave up. After 5 hours of fighting with myself
and my website, not getting any work done, playing with shiny social media, I
gave in. Broke down and cried. Allowed myself some self pity. Oh, it felt so
very very good. And I had a lot to pity - my car, my ended relationship, my
tiny living space, my fears. Bunches and bunches of pity... But I truly believe
that my pities are no better or different than anyone else's. We all have our
fears, our cars, our relationships, our homes.
So, I decided it was time to clam mine, to figure out what
was at the core of this small, dirty, unhappiness. I listed a entire page,
single spaced and small handwriting, of things! I had 10" of things on my
mind. No wonder why there was no room for anything else. As I looked over the
paper I noticed 3 words repeating - Afraid, Not, and Wanting. Those are 3 words
I'm working hard and getting rid of. They are limiting. They stop you. I wanted to understand why all this negative
and at the same time I wanted to diminish it. On a new page I started at the
top of the list and rewrote the sentence in a positive way and why it was this
way and suggestions to make it so.
The internet spotty at home --- I have the
"Barrowed" office I can come here whenever I need to and be welcomed.
Not liking my car --- The little blue alien gets me from
point A to point B. It holds a lot of things. So empty it. Take the items to
the recycling, donations. Honor your car, for it is a part of you. Enjoy the
time you get to be in it. It is a stick have fun every now and then.
Afraid of _________
(there were a lot of these, pick one) --- This was the changing point. I realized Hell Yes I'm afraid... But, I'M
NOT INTIMIDATED. I might be slowed down, living a bit in avoidance, but I'm not
turning tail. And I'm not stopping.
Then all things started opening up. I need to honor my needs
more. Who I am. How I work. And, I need to be ok with that. Yes, my living
quarters are tight, but the alternative is my parents have moved to Seattle and
I see them once every 2 years (not looking forward to that, give me the
closeness!) I realized everything I'm stressing about has a solution. Some are
easy; some aren't so easy. But I can do it! I have a game plan. And once you
have that, there is no stopping you!
So, what are you feeling overwhelmed about? Could you make a
list? Could you turn them each into a positive thing? Then make a game plan?
Could you work your way back to happy?
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