Self Awareness, A Wedding Gift to Myself

People are interesting! And I LOVE watching the many different kinds of behaviors...

For the most part, we have the Best intentions for our actions. We crave to be "good" people. But, I've noticed, our old habits and programming take the reins from our intentions, no matter how good they are.

I'm not saying I'm any different! I'm not saying that we can't change. However, an object at rest will stay at rest until acted on by an unbalanced force. (Newton's First Law of Motion). And change is HARD!!!

This rant is all stemming from a realization about myself and the current desire to introduce an unbalanced force. 

So... Here I go, startin' a new path... 

I just got married! (Thank you! Yes, it was beautiful! Yes, I am happy it's over!) Some how I managed to escape summers with 5 or 7 weddings. The etiquette of present giving. The rules you're suppose to follow for events. I went into this completely naive about what to expect. (Thank goodness for the overwhelming blogs and magazines to confuse me!)   I did notice one thing happening; an ongoing conversation that swayed between a sore spot and moments of glee with in me.

There's a belief that if something continually irks you it's a most likely a behavior within yourself that you have unknowingly disowned; and so, it bothers you to experience it in others. (Yeah, did you get that? Took me a long time to figure it out.) After a couple of weeks, I realized this is what was happening!!!

I suck at RSVPing! Even when I do happen to let people know I'm coming, I have minor panic attacks and end up bailing at the last moment. And, even more importantly, I hate it about myself.  Good thing though, the wedding made me confront my issue.

I didn't realize how important RSVPs were. I didn't realize how important a realistic head count is for events. How much food do you buy, tables do you put out, gifts do you create? Then, when you do actually get that number before the event, don't believe it; it changes the day of!

I was faced with what happens when I allow my personal human nature to control the actions of my intentions. (In the case of the wedding-way too much food!) I don't like what it does to host and hostess. I don't like being someone you can't rely on.  I don't like living in the space of the unknown.  This was a view into a world I didn't understand, and so didn't care about it.

Happy Dance!!! My "unbalanced force" has been discovered! The knowledge of what my actions/inactions create. I'm not saying my panic attacks aren't going to show up, but I will work harder at addressing them earlier so they won't stop me. I'm not saying I'm going to get to every Facebook invite that comes, but I'll try harder. I will also be more truthful about my intentions of attending as opposed to saying what I think they "want" to hear.  

My wedding gave me a husband, a lack of sleep preparing for it, beautiful pictures of wonderful memories and some gifts of greater self-awareness.

So, What Do You Do?

May 29th - The last day I had a "real" job. 81 days ago (but who's counting?) Instead a 9-5 paycheck job I ---

• sorted through every item in my parent's house/garage discovering forgotten treasures.
• filled the front yard, driveway, and back yard to host one of the biggest single yard sales in the Redford area of the year.
• found 10 different places to donate or recycle the other items and filled up the old green truck over and over again to minimized just tossing things away to the landfill.
• painted two landscape murals at the size of 8 feet x 8 feet each for an ice show.
•  packed up my life and moved in with my fiancé's tiny apartment. (Which got new carpeting installed three days before adding my things to his collection.)
• completed updates, cleaning and preparation to rent out my family's home so I can be close to my future step-daughter.
• unpacked, re-established up my art studio, and began the merging of two lives and all the stuff that comes with said lives.
• planned, executed, and had an amazing DIY potluck wedding for 85 loving friends and family within a short four month engagement.

 Yeah... Maybe I should have stayed at the "real" job and gotten a paycheck!

So, it's been nearly three months of not having a job, a paycheck or knowing what how to define myself. And I don't like it. I don't feel like I'm part of society. I don't feel like I'm giving equally in my relationships. Even though I have worked from sunrise to sundown to create new lives for love ones and family members.  I still feel like I've taken the easy route because I haven't contributed money to the situations. Instead I have been working behind the scenes making sure everyone has what they need to do what they want.

It's interesting how much emphasis is placed on what one does. Ok... It's interesting to see how much emphasis I have put on myself by my title, by what I do, by if I have a paycheck or not.

What I did didn't bring in money. What I did didn't provide an income for the household. But what I did ---

• allowed my parents to move to Seattle to watch the grand-kids grow up to help influence them to make great memories.
•  allowed me to marry a wonderful man who loves me and encourages me to be me, all the different facets of me that there are.
• allowed my fiancé to be an active and supportive dad and be there for his busy daughter.

I guess that's pretty important. I guess there is more to life than just money and titles. I guess I should remember that...

What about you? What do you do? Most importantly, are you happy doing it and see it's amazing value?