Tell Me, Are You Attached to The Mermaid Too?

Hopes and Dreams and Attachment

I'm starting something big in my life.  I'm excited about it! I can feel the desire for this change down into my bones and throughout my being. And yes, it scares me every moment of every day! Combined with all the internal struggles fighting in my self-esteem that came from combining my life with another's (ex: belly flopping into the role of a Step-Mom to a 14-year-old, taking on the role of a housewife --- neither character I ever wanted to be in life --- living without my own car for 9 months, not having any pets nor a place to garden, nor my own money) and I get overwhelmed. Not in a negative way. But in a "Wow, this is hard work" sort of way.

First and foremost, I stand in a place where this is MY LIFE and I welcome all of it! I truly do!!! I want more of the things it. I want more different things. And I want to experience it all!!!

I have always looked out for others. And it's been something I do well. Ever since I was an infant with a foster-brother I have figured out how I can help another. Learning how to help myself wasn't nearly as important as helping another. I'm proud of the helping other's part. And I'm working on helping myself now too.

Today I was going to take care of myself! I was going to put my desires first. I wasn't going to let the cost of ice skating, the new classes and the costs of travel, the rental and the upcoming expenses, the bills or the needed car repair stop me. I was going to pull from the girl I was before adulthood surfaced. I was going to free a part of myself I hold back so that everything going on can shine.  And I was so totally looking forward to it!!!!

I was going to get a blue-green-teal Mermaid hair color done.

It was a simple yet profound alteration that would allow the parts of me that are stuck or not-so-eager for-all-this-change-crap to see it's not so bad. It was a chance for me stand out and scream I'm here in a world where I feel I'm losing my uniqueness. It was a way to connect with the inner creative spirit of my true self.

Once there, with cash in hand and 3 hours of my day set aside for this adventure I discover they priced it wrong when I went in two days earlier to specifically inquire about the price (so I could make sure I had the money!) and to ask questions. 

I didn't have enough money. 

I wasn't able to get the coloring I had been looking forward to for months. The coloring I had been daydreaming about for weeks. The coloring in the picture I gazed at longinly saying to myself "Someday". My response... I walked out. Walked back in to give them a piece of my mind. Walked out again. Went home and cried.

Which leads to a question of attachment... I was so attached to getting my hair done! I so wanted it. I felt sucker punched.  I felt like... Sad. I was sad and let down.

But... What IF I wasn't attached to the outcome of having my hair done today? What if I just saw this as "Ok, I'll go home and save up more money."? What if I realized the crazy people at the beauty place don't have control over how high I hold my head up or if I'm happy? What if I had as much attachment to this occurrence as I do when went the post office is out of the stamps I like?

I'm still happy with my life. I'm still the powerful women making changes and blending my life. My day is really a great day. And I WILL get my hair colored... Just not this week (and from somewhere else).

So... What do you do when you're let down? What do you do when things don't go the way you planned them go? Are you attached to the outcome? Do you get angry? Or do you just say ok and move on?

How Did The Oatmeal Get Here?!?

I

I know this is an exaggeration, but this is really how I feel!

'm not too quiet about my life. (OMG that would be a really boring blog... What would I type about if not for all my soap box options on life? Ok, my life...) I'm not afraid to say out loud I'm angry, frustrated, or happy.  And today I'm going to say it again....

I am frustrated with my living situation! I would totally love to look across the room and not see things undone EVERY where I look, I would love from my eyes to see what I envision the space to look like. 

But for now... There's the printer I'm suppose to get onto Craig's List, The box that goes to Salvation Army. The plant that I'm not sure what's up with and need to do some research on. The boxes of papers that need to be filed or recycled. The desktop that is again too full to use. And this is just what I see from my office chair looking in one direction!

 I know we all have things that need to be done. Projects that are waiting for us to get to. I just don't know how to do it all and still sleep and that frustrates me! I will admit, our apartment isn't that large and a single extra box translates to a toe stubber on the way into the kitchen... Let alone the three major projects we have going on right now. 

I get mad. I lose my temper when I start to get overwhelmed by the crap (I mean "Treasures", really I do), and I have an evil temper, one that slams doors and pitches containers of oatmeal (Oh, I don't suggest that one. It really goes flying. But, if you do, don't throw it into the pantry. That just becomes a clean up from hell. Not that I would know anything about that... Nope, not me...)

But today I tried something different. I tried to be diligent. I tried to not just dumb and go onto something else, but instead  I put everything away that I was working on. I also attempted to stay true to the task timer so I could get onto the next whatever and not be so reactive to situations. 

It was funny. I would just set something down and walk away. Then aloud say "No, Betsy, that isn't the way we are going to make a difference in our life." Then I would turn around, pick up what I avoided, put it away and go back to the new task. 

I have a very long way to go and not a good service record for follow-through before the apartment feels like a home.  But maybe if I take on 30 mins of forced activity along with  staying diligent I might get the pictures hung, the paint finished, the stuff purged... Maybe I'll get to the place where my apartment feels like a home and not a storage unit. 

How do you keep your passions calm when life starts to overwhelm you? Are you a dumper crap or a keeper of Treasures? Do you have any tips for me? (Because we all know, I need all the help I can get!)

Taking a Leap of Faith

Fear of starting is such a big thing to get over!

I have been in the "Starting" phase of my new business venture for 7 months now! I keep learning more and redesigning what I want. And even knowing what I want I've been starting that for 3! 

I am passionate about what I want to do. I know I can do it. I've been studying it and seeing it everywhere and how I can use it... But... Still... I'm afraid to commit to it.

We are financial ok??? with me not working; so there's not a "I need to pay the bills" drive. I don't have any clients; so no one is waiting on me. This puts me in a weird space. I get to do this because I want to. 

WOW! I hadn't put that together till just now. I am lucky enough to do what I Want, because I Want to. And yet, I'm still afraid of that first step. So silly!

I keep making up routines I think that will inspire me to work. I decided to just choose working and work for a couple of hours. I avoid it all together and watch TV or sleep. And still I'm in the "Starting" phase. 

During the last couple of weeks, I got a "Client", ok my parent's rental property, and it felt so good! I felt alive and like I really could pull this off. I was getting Results! I got results! What I was doing was making a difference. I had a direction. I want more of it! More and More and MORE! (And yet, I'm still afraid to take a big step.)

Now, I get to find more of what will get me to do the work and keep me going so I can continue this feeling.

What do you do to keep you going when you don't want to? What drives you? I'm looking for ideas....

Oh....

Play me some country music. 

I don't have time to ponder life tonight. I'm out living it!!!

When was the last time you. Just let go? Didn't care and wiggle that booty? 

Take a Step Back, Just for a Moment

Every now and then you have to take a step back and look at what you've accomplished.

Looking at what you've done gives you a chance to pat yourself on the back. It also gives you a chance to make sure you're swimming in the right direction. (It's like swimming across the pool; you don't want to make it across only to find you swam horizontally instead of straight.)

So, what have I done you ask? I created my first website from scratch (at least as "from scratch" as you can with the template on Wordpress), including All the graphics. I set up 4 coordinating social media sites and started to a marketing campaign. I know... Not such a big deal...

But... But... It's my first case study for my new business. When I get this all done, I can officially say I'm a Social Media Manager! And have something to show potential clients.

It was so cool finishing the website today! I've been working on all the information, copy, pictures, sites for 2 weeks now. And it's done!

What do you think? Did I nail it? ...Click Here to see the entire site... (Editor's note: Yes, I know there are typos. Yes, I know the spelling needs to be corrected in some places. That's on tomorrow's to do list for someone who actually knows how to spell.)



So... What are you proud of? When was the last time you stepped back to look at what you've finished?

The Single Tip for a Healthy Growing Relationship

So, I'm married. And I'm married to the perfect man for me! I couldn't ask for a better person to be my life partner.

Totally Joyful makes sure I get the pleasure of experiencing every single flipping emotion. I get the typical happy and joy. I do a LOT of laughing around him. He makes me feel secure and loved. These are all wonderful! Then, to make sure I realize how special these feelings are, I also get to experience loneliness, anger, frustration, and even some insecurity. Yep, I AM a lucky wife!

The past couple of days we have been tiffing about something he wants to do that really scares me. It's nothing bad; it's actually a really good thing. He wants to take an intensive course to help him be a better leader. I better communicator. And I'm scared of that??? (Yes, I did have a CAT scan and yes, there is nothing wrong with my brain functionality.)

I don't like it when things change. I don't like rocking my boat. I don't like to see the love of my life struggling with anything. I want to protect him. So, as much as I longed and wanted to support him... My fear outweighed all the good that could have come from it.

My fear of change. My fear of him outgrowing me. My fear of having to do more work. These were going to limit the person I wanted to see soaring to the top of the world more than anything else!!! (Yeah, I did have a headache due to the ongoing conflict in my CAT scan approved "Normal" brain.) 

Then... With the joys of Facebook... A friend who I have never met, but always makes me see the world a bit differently (in a well rounded open minded sort of way) opened me up to a new thought. It's a phrase/way of being husbands learn early in long marriages... Yes Dear.

My friend had a different way of looking at it. He believed both sides should practice it. (I know!!! Bizarre, right?!) That tiny shift in thinking was all I needed to end the tiff.

I don't have to be ok with Totally Joyful going off and doing this course. I can worry about missing him all the times he's going to be gone. I can be frustrated that I'll have more work to do around the house. AND... I can step back, say "Yes Dear" and be supportive of something he really wants.  I can look at this from his perspective and see how excited he is about this. I can see he is also scared and nervous.

Most importantly... I can see we are in this together.

So, I ask you (as I do at the end of all of these), what can you step back from and say "Yes Dear" too? What does your partner want to do that you just aren't on board with yet? Could you be? Could you be open to letting them have it their way?

Thank you Ted Talks!

It's been four complete days since I've written a post here. I challenged myself to write an entry every day for 90 days. I started this to see how my writing would evolve (along with my lack of typing skill). To build my confidence in myself. To build a trust with myself by completely something I said I would. (It was all about me, I'm sorry...)

After 30 days, I didn't want to do it anymore. I've always heard for the first 6 months blogging is a lonely place.  (That's an understatement!) I will, happily, admit I was getting a nice little (ok Tiny) number of people reading my ramblings (Thank you! And I don't really understand why, but I'm flattered.) I've heard that maintaining a successful, well, anything is  all about persistence.

Even knowing that I was going to subtly throw in the towel. I was going to do the "Not answer the phone - he'll get the hint". Who would notice? Who would hold me accountable to my challenge?  I was off the hook. (I wasn't even feeling too horribly guilty,)

Then... Then this morning I watched a Ted Talk about Self-Confidence and realized my actions weren't doing that. I was doing just the opposite. I was again, sabotaging myself (also known as killing one's confidence). That's not what I wanted at all. I want to better myself. I want to challenge you and your thinking. I want to make sure we are all the best we can be (no matter what that looks like).

So, I'll continue on here for my 90 days (and hopefully longer). I'll keep listening to my Ted Talks. I'll keep reminding myself of "Why" I'm typing these. And, I'll miss a few more days. I'll feel like stopping again. I'll stop again... But one day... One day I'll, without noticing, I'll have changed who I am. Just a little, but I'll see things differently. I'll be different.

Now I ask you... Who do you want to be? What do you want to achieve that you start, with all good intentions, and then stop, when it gets too hard (or boring)? And most importantly, Are you willing to start it up again?  

Wait! They're coming when?!?!?

Ok, if you're anything like me, chances are you're most likely not a huge fan of cleaning, but you love a clean place. I know I'll never have the super clean house; I have too causal a lifestyle and too many hobbies (like TV vegging). But, when people come over I like the house clean. I don't want people to worry about where they sit, or what they touch. 

Which leads to what I've done all night (Friday night)... CLEANED! It's our weekend with #Cuteness... We've know she was coming over on Saturday for weeks. Did we clean up the massive purging, stuff every where for the last 10 days, what-do-I-do-with-this mess before last min? Nope. Did we say we would work on cleaning a little every day? Yep!!! Did we? Nope. 

So tonight I cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed the apartment, cleaned the kitchen (including the floor) and washed 4 loads of laundry... Not relaxing if you were wondering. 

The frustration thing is I do this every time!   I live in a world of reacting more than I do being proactive. And, I don't know how to change that mindset.  Do you? Because I would love some tips... This isn't An overly fun place to be. 

May I Introduce you to...

I'm going the easy route tonight... And letting someone else do the heavy writing!!!

There are so many talented writers on this here World Wide Web. (I have a long way to go to be in that group; even when your round-up, my skill level falls in with-in the general masses.) It's amazing at what we have available to us! I discovered I love cooking, and I would never have known that without the fun recipes I find on Pinterest. Not to mention all the videos in YouTube... Like, totally Amazing Man! And, again, I digress... Back to the post at hand...

Today, I would like to introduce you to Susan Minarik of HighOnHappiness.com. She writes an uplifting daily blog telling the intimate, behind the scene story of the woods around her home.  

If you feel up to it, wonder on over and check out her blog. She would thoroughly enjoy saying hi. 

What if... You allowed yourself a break?

I admit it... and, this might be a surprise for some of you, but... there are times I'm not the smartest egg in the basket. For instance...

I thought it would be a fun idea to ride our bikes to the parent's ice skating meeting 6.4 miles away with an airport, and two lakes in the direct path. (Oh yeah, did I mention that I've only ridden my bike 5 times in the last 3 years.) To make it even more challenging, we left late so had to push hard during the ride. 

Holly Shit! Yep. I said it. AND I also completed the ride! I rode my bike and made it to the meeting (without even hyperventilating).

To admit another truth, I did have a breakdown, nearly threw my bike and almost cried.  I couldn't go another rotation. My lungs hurt, I pinched a nerve and my hand was numb, we still had nearly a mile to go... I. Just. Couldn't. Go. On.

But I did. I did go on. I sat for a few minutes, I laid down and just let my body catch up with me. Then, I pulled myself up, got back on the bike and took off again. 

The rest of the ride was so much easier. I wasn't fighting myself and my situation; all my energy was going to the bike. I allowed myself a rest, but didn't give into quiting.  I even "I Spied" a cut through that saved us 1/2 a mile!!! 

So, what are you pushing yourself to do? What is it that you're powering your way through? What if you allowed yourself a regrouping brake?  What if you allowed yourself just a tiny moment to catch up? You might be surprised with what comes out of it. 

Can You Do It?

I admit it. I'm not having Fun writing a blog post every day. I had a tiny temper tantrum and missed the last two days on purpose. 

It's tedious to invest the time every day (I want to make strawberry jam!) It's hard coming up with new exciting content. (Yes, I consider my posts exciting! Maybe on the very fringe of the definition and if you round up, but still exciting.)

On the flip-side, I really want to succeed in this challenge. I let so much slide in my life, lots of ideas are given up on, dreams that don't see the light... I want to prove to myself I can do something!

I'm reading Daniel Pink's book "To Sell is Human". (More about how cool that book is in a later post... But for now, just understand it is more about how Americans think than it is on how to sell.) In it there's a section where he talks about motivation and how do we motivate ourselves or others. 

The experts he spoke with believe Bob the Builder is the Guru on this topic. 

"Can't we do this? Yes we can!"

And here's their thinking. Bob asks a question. He allows you to say no. He leaves the decision in your hands. You can say no. You can say yes. You can say yes, if... It's not a forceful dominating statement. 

Follow it up with the with "Yes I can!" And now you're open to conversations about how to accomplish the task. 

You leave the cheer feeling empowered! You've stated you can. And you're open to doing so! (The things you learn from kid TV shows.)

I guess that's where I'm at. Can I do this??? Yes I can!!! 

What are you fighting? What have you told yourself you would do, and then stopped? I'll ask you the same question...

Can you do it??? 

Two Questions That Could Change Your Life

What makes you happy?

Are you doing it?

Purging's Good - But Keep the Capsules

This weekend is all about purging our house! I'm so excited about this! 

We live is a 2 bedroom garden level apartment where it can feel crowded quickly. Two weeks ago Totally Joyful and I cleaned out our storage unit by bringing some the goodies home. (Yep, home to the "it can feel crowded quickly" apartment.) So, we're going back to ground zero before we start another project. 

The most overwhelming pile of Stuff is ALL the PAPERWORK that breds. My part is finally combining his and her files. (Because we've been married about a year. I think it's a safe bet I'm not going anywhere for a spell.) Totally Joyful's part is going through boxes of his ancient papers to find lots of stuff we can get rid of.

While sorting, filing, purging we found some great treasures. His grandparents Wedding Certificate... Profile pictures he took with his mom for a dating site 16 years ago... The newsletters from my elementary school... My doodled-everywhere school folders from high school... Things you just can't get rid of now, you've had them for so long they've become a time capsule.

But the best treasure we found...

"The Exciting Life of the Writer of this Autobiography" written by Betsy Rackliffe in 8th grade.  PRICELESS! 

 

OH MY GOSH! Did you know that by the time I was 14 I had had 13 boyfriends!!! (I only know this because it's in the autobiography.) What a wonderful read and funny story to share with Totally Joyful. I think I'll see if #Cuteness wants to read it. (I did write it by hand in a very loopy cursive at the same age she is now.) 

Emptying boxes is a good way to clean your space and your mind. It makes room for the new to come in. But just make sure you don't through it all away. You want to save some things to laugh at and remark about how much things have changed.

Promote Love

I went to a meeting today for #Cuteness's ice skating group. It was for closing out last season and what might be happening next year. Well, that's what it was supposed to be about. Instead, it was the mom's tell the instructors about more work that they had to do.

After one lady finished her list of "suggestions" about what should be done, they asked her if she would like to spearhead that group. The response, "I'm just and idea person."

I felt so dirty after being in the room. I commend how wonderful the coaches listened and truly took the feedback. It's just that it didn't feel very supportive, for the  mom's, the coaches or environments for the kids... Makes me wonder where our intentions are?

Now I'm curious... What are your intentions? Do you go to meetings open minded? Do youfind ways to actually help and put sweat in the game? Do you go in just to listen? Do you go in to give "ideas"? Do you go in with a chip on your shoulder or eager lift up the group?

The Importance of Speeling... Damn... I mean: The Importance of Spelling

I grew up with the local Art Center as my Latch Key facility. Weekend activities where art classes, ones I took or one's my parents were teaching. In the summers, when we weren't creating something, we could be found participating in something on the Native American reservation or in the vegetable garden with my mom or out chopping down trees for our winter firewood. I was exposed to so many different forms of art, creativity, and cultures by the time 13! I was lucky.

I also played with algebra, experimented with numbers and wondered how equations were made, then solved. I'll admit they weren't hard problems by any means, but I had a very basic understand of how to "solve for X". I also loved story problems. I was fascinated how they all went together and solved for something at the end. Don't get me wrong, I hated doing the ones my teacher gave me... Those were like, hard!!!

But, I never could spell. Oh how everyone tried... EVERY ONE! The teachers. My parents. The tutors. I would spend HOURS on different techniques all in an attempt to master that elusive skill "Spelling" ... Yeah, never got it. (I'm sure that if you follow this blog, you're not at all surprised!) In high school, it was common practice for me to yell a random word throughout the house to have my mom respond with the correct way to spell it.  Through college, my housemate and I repeated that same exercise. (Yes, it did catch some people off balance when they experienced it.) Hell, even currently it happens in our household. Except now, besides Totally Joyful responding, my 14 yr old step-daughter replies too.

Today's society puts a strong emphasis on spelling or grammar. There are memes all over social media complaining about how Wrong it is... (And here I am excited when I accidently get a big word right!) Society almost completely judges a person's intelligence by how well they can put letters together or do math or science. These skills seem to be the only ones that matter. I've had people judge me for my lack of spelling prowess. It kind of hurt... And that's ok, I know I'm damn good at things they have no clue about, like discovering patterns within occurrences or deeper understand human reactions.

I recently heard a podcast talk about "Being Unique". They explained spelling and why that's not quirky nor fun nor filled with personality. It's because the public likes when things aren't perfect, they like when there is a realness to it, but, they do not like it when something is broken. Spelling is a word that is broken. A broken collection of letters. Kind of an interesting way to look at my nemesis.

I guess...

Feel free to judge my professionalism on how well I put letters together. Judge that person's post by the spelling, don't bother to look past it to the meaning of their statement. By all means, let our problem get in the way of you enjoying your day....

Or, know that it is not our intention to mess up. Truly, our intention is only to open our souls and share our life with you...

Our Lives Are Not Our Own

Sheeps or Poodles?
How you imagine yourself?
How others imagine you?

You never ever ever know how people perceive you. Nor do you ever know how you impact their lives.  And ya know what... It kind of sucks AND it's will knock your socks off.

No matter how hard I try to look "Normal", or business-like people (strangers!) see through it.

• I was at the credit union today and the associate was telling me all about the Yellow Door in Berkley because I look like the creative type. 
• The office manager at my counselor's office was sure I had done a local walking fundraiser because of course I'm the type of person who would do that.
• One of my co-workers once asked for my option on something because "I dance to the drum of a different beat".

And here I thought I was normal... Yeah, Right...

There's also how your friends see you. Surprisingly, it's not always how you see yourself.

• My friends see me as outgoing, not shy by any means... I see myself as paralyzing nervous to talk to strangers at a networking event.
• My friends see me as an Artist and artistic... I see myself as crafty, I'm able to take a given recreate it, or modify it, not come up with something new.
• My friends see me as busy and full of happiness and life... I see myself as a loner, intimated by others, and crying or angry a lot.

Why can't we live the life others see us as? I would love to be that person! It's that person I long to be. But, I'm too afraid that person would become too big to live in the life I've created.

On the flip-side, I know how much people have impacted my life. I also know how much they have NO IDEA! None at all.

• I have a large handful of people who I respect greatly! I mentally look to them when I need that extra push. I ask myself, "What would Suzy-Q do?" And then I make up what they would say or do to push me to do what I need to do, not what I want to do. I really have no I idea what they would really say, but I know what the Them in my head would do. So, I go off and try it.
• I still am grateful to people to motivated me decades ago and I'm not shy to tell them. Sometimes, they don't understand it; for them it was just a typical day in their life.

I wonder how they see themselves? I wonder if they are as afraid to be the person I see them as much as I'm afraid to be the person they se me as? Or would they dislike the person I see them as?

As much as we like to think it is... Our lives are not our own. Every time we interact with another human whether on social media, driving, standing in line at the grocery store, talking with your co-workers, hanging with your family or your friends we impact the other person. So... 

What impact are you making? Better yet, what impact do you want to leave? I know I want to keep them thinking amazing thoughts about me.

Earthing or, Just Go Outside

When was the last time you went outside just to be outside? Not to run to the car? Not to mow the lawn or take out the trash. But to breath, relax and just be with nature? If you can't remember, I'm worried.

At dinner with a friend I was told about "Earthing". (Yes, that is really a word and a new health craze.) I couldn't believe what she was telling me, so I HAD to do my research make sure she wasn't pulling my leg...

"Earthing" is connecting yourself with, well, the earth.  That simple. It's walking barefoot... Yep, that's basically it. (lowers head to hands and gentle nods head in frustration.) They have discovered when you ground yourself with the earth there are, gasp, health benefits. These could and may range from reducing inflammation, chronic pain, muscle tension and headaches to improving sleep, energy and blood pressure, along with others.

I'll get on board with a movement to get people outside. I can encourage people  to explore being barefoot... But... I can not get motivated to have people BUY products that plug into the wall to simulate the feeling of being outside. Everything about that just sounds fishy.

After reading a handful of blogs, promotional information, medical websites and mommy blogs, I have been jumping between speechless and soap-boxing...

1. I can't believe we have become a society that needs scientific proof for why we should go outside. Why aren't we going outside to enjoy life? Why is Inside so much better? When did Outside become something to fear or avoid?
2.  I couldn't find Medical Doctors (even Homeopathic ones) or scientists willing to back it up and agree with the "scientific" reasoning behind this new theory. They only scientific supporters were the ones selling the product. When reading the propaganda, I (the totally non-science person) was even finding contradictive statements. And, one of the main websites "is not responsible or liable for any advice or any other information that you obtain through this website." (If you can't stand behind what you're saying... Then, why should I?)
3. I'm angry that this really is a profit industry hiding behind a free and simple natural occurrences feeding on people's desires and pain. There are books, videos, clothing, and professionals willing to help transform your lifestyle, on this topic. (All for a price, of course.)

I love being barefoot. (I've been nicknamed the Barefoot Designer from clients.) I love being outside. I can't hide my passion for nature; I've tried, people see through it.  This "Earthing" thing scares me and raises so many red flags I can't see clearly.

If you really want all the benefits from being in nature... I invite you to go outside. Breathe the fresh air, absorb some vitamin D from the sun, distress a bit by getting away from your desk, enhance your brain by feeling the wind and the grass. There's so much that comes from being outside.

So, take a break... Take care of yourself... Don't spend any money and just GO OUTSIDE. 

What's your Future Worth?

I wasn't going to write a post today. I gave myself excuses all day. But... ... I felt guilty.

• How would I show value to y'all if I wasn't dependable?
• What kind of precedence was a making to my future it I didn't follow through?
• Am I really that out for self destruction that I could write a small post to keep my word?

So, on the way to bed (literally!) I decided I was worth taking 15 mins to write a post...

Now, I ask you... Are you willing to do what it takes to do what you want? Are you willing to not let yourself off the hook?

Photo Credit: I don't know how to thank. But I love this picture. It is from Facebook a handful of years ago. Thank you to whoever made it! And if it is yours, please let me know so I can link it to you and give you credit!

1 Step Forward - 3 Steps Back

Ya know, I just got home from an amazing coffee "date" with a new friend. (Better yet a new friend who is a STEP-MOM!!!! My only other step-mom friend! *insert squeal of excitement here*) We laughed, we compared stories, talked about our wonderful husbands. I got some morals from the night (because everything needs a moral. Duh. It's not worth my time if I don't learn something. Yes, I am working on that aspect of my life). It was perfection.

The drive home sent me past a lake doing fireworks. Very beautiful. I love the ongoing display and people getting together growing their communities. Just makes me smile. (Yes, I am torn between the celebration of  fireworks and the flashback triggers for veterans. I want the fireworks with their memories from my childhood, the way they pull the community together, the abstract visualization of what 'bombs bursting in air' looks like to civilians; and I want to respect a veteran's  need. I don't know which 'want' is greater yet. ... And,I digress...)

Pandora even had the bomb-diggity collection of music. Some Violent Femmes / Dead Milkmen. Some They Might Be Giants. Some Monty Python. And some good olde Irish drinking songs. Radio was loud enough to cover my off-key singing. Perfection again.

Then... Then I came home. This week has SUCKED! I even broke out in hives from stress this week! I have picked myself up off the ground too many times. I have wanted to scream "I'M DONE!" followed quickly by hiding under my rock. But instead I find the rainbow. I look at the other side of the cluster-fuck. I try to learn something. I go on...

Today I managed to get pieces picked up. Reached out for help. Got balls rolling so I can keep going up. I was in a good place from the coffee "date", from the rolling balls, and from an actual conversation with my Totally Joyful.

Then... Then I opened the mail. What's the saying??? '1 step forward 3 steps back'??? Why do I have a SECOND bill for my CT scan??? Why is it over $1000??? Why didn't my insurance cover any of it???  Why did it have to come on a  Friday when there is no one I can talk to till Monday???

I know it's just money. I know someone will be able to talk with me about it Monday. I know it will work out... And... I know it's not what I needed to see at the end of this already crappy week.

So, I'll lift myself up. I'll know that I can handle this. I'll have an amazing weekend. I'm bigger than this. I got this...

Now, where did I set my beer down? Because I'll be strong tomorrow... Tonight I'm going to cry in my beer, and laugh about what happened during my perfect night and go to bed...

Sailboats vs Cobwebs

I admit it, I am Horrible with money. I was never able to "save up" for that larger purchase (which explains why I don't have a nice sofa; that takes some time to save for!) I typically buy what I want, went I want. I'll pat my back for being pretty good at not wanting lots of things or stuff. I crave things and desire things, but I tend to not go off the deep-end with my spending (no $250 shoes or $300 dresses for me; yet). When I do go on a spending spree it's at a Dollar Store or the Salvation Army. Both of which it's hard to completely break the bank.

I also sheepily admit I'm great at spending all the money I have quickly as I can and then going without any for a long period. This characteristic of my money personality SUCKS! It's from the "I want when I want" problem. I'm not so good and the delay gratification stuff  when it comes to money... Hell, with anything! Sucky... Pucky...

While out today on my walk I wondered across a Garage Sale.  There wasn't very much I wanted. (The home-owner is a hunter and my "I can't even kill a Spider" life doesn't call for many forest-cameo blinds. Imagine that...) However, there was a small sculpture of a copper sailboat on a chunk of stone. It captured the water part of our new Lifestyle. Going for evening walks watching the boats on the ocean. Taking week long vacations on a chartered yacht. I would have loved this nick-nack on my shelf reminding me what TJ and I are working toward.

This is where my amazing magical ability to make money disappear got the best of me. There are cobwebs in my wallet instead of spending money. As a result of my previous actions, I couldn't get this really cool thing I wanted. (and wow, wasn't that a mature adult statement... and it came out of my mouth! WOW!) On the flip-side there was a very nice, complete, leather crafting kit with punches, tools, leather, and storing case I would have enjoyed owning, could live without, and I'm ok I didn't have the money. Chances are, I would have bought it, not used it often, and downsized it in a couple of years. It wasn't worth the space it would have taken up.

 As I ventured home empty handed I kept hearing Dave Ramsey lecturing me about the benefits of delay gratification.  I hated it. I wasn't happy to walk away without the representation of our future life. But, I'll try something different. They say; "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." Time for something new.  

I am going to go back on Saturday to see if it's still there. If it is - I AM GOING TO BUY IT. If it's not - I can save my money for something even better in the future. No consolation gifts or spending here. Only getting what I really want and saving for the expensive items I desire.

What about you? How is your money spending? How is your ability to delay simple gratification for long-term goals? What are some tips you have to stay on track?

Good vs. Better vs. Best

We are a one car household. My husband works a 9-1/2 hour day a 45 min drive away (so, we don't see much of each other).  We live off a busy highway street full of gas stations, banks, fast food places, a car dealerships (so, nowhere fun to walk to). I am working at starting up my dream company and working from home in our 1200 sf apartment of white walls that faces north-east and gets no natural light (so, not much in human interactions).

I am NOT complaining about my life (although it really does sound like it). I am totally lucky that I can have my own company (and one day I'll have enough guts to actually get a client) and do something I want to do (not what I have to do). I'm lucky that just outside our "backdoor" we live on a beautiful lake that I love sitting by. I'm lucky I have a home I share with someone who totally loves me and it's in a safe neighborhood and we don't have to worry about break-ins, robberies, or anything bad. My life is Good.

Good. That's it... Good.

Have you been to Home Depot to buy something and they have 3 different options in quality? "Good" "Better" "Best" My life is "Good". It works. People would be happy to be where I am. I have nothing to complain about. (I'm even healthy so I can't complain about that either!) I'm happy. But...  I'm not completely truly happy.

I want MORE! So much more... I don't want more stuff. I don't want a bigger house. I want more Life. I don't know how to get it. I feel trapped where I am. I feel buried under all the things that "should" be done. I feel afraid to really jump into my new career.  I've magnificently created a Good world where I'm paralyzed by fear.  And, I don't know how to break out it.

And THAT is why I'm here every day writing this blog. Because I AM going to break out of where I'm at! I am going to have my dream life. I am going to  have a successful company! I am not going to be paralyzed! No, this blog isn't going to be the end-all answer to everything. But it makes me think, wonder. evaluate and be committed to something. It's a start...

Now that I've bared my soul I ask you... Which is your life? "Good" "Better" or "Best"

No matter what life  looks like on the outside to others, or how lucky you feel you are, the only thing that matters is - are you really truly happy where you're at?

I'm NOT Old!

I'm not old. I swear it! I had this wonderful great idea to write about tonight. It was thought provoking. Added value to you. Made everyone think. Then... 

Then I had  dinner out with my amazing husband. Then we went to the grocery store. Then I experimented with making some yogurt pops in my fandangled popsicle maker (that is now on its way to be donated.) And now... I have no idea what my really great idea was. Not at all. So, I'm babbling...

I think the most challenging part of this exercise is going to be coming up with ideas of value Each and Every. Single. Day. over and over again.  Or, I need to learn  new ways to tell you, yet again, about what I'm working on.   (That just sounds boring for both of us.)

And now, I'm out of time... At least I wrote it...  I'll do better tomorrow, I promise. 

A Picture Is Worth a 1000 Words

If a picture is worth 1000 words then what is a picture with words worth?

I collect picture quotes from Facebook and Pinterest. I love them.

One day I want to DIY craft them into something neat for our bathroom. I think it would be uplifting to read and read and read them every time you're at the sink. Till then they are a slide show for my screensaver.

Here's a collection of some of my favorites....

After looking at these, I guess the most important thing to be is to laugh while having and inner strength.

I would love to thank everyone who posted these! I admit, I don't know where a lot of them came from or I would personally acknowledge you. If the picture has a link please check out their site and see what other neato things they have. And with all of them, I hope you would motivated a little bit, or at least cracked a smile.

I Don't Want to Be Here Right Now!

I would totally love a SteamPunk inspired kitchen!

To tell ya the truth, I don't want to be here right now.  It's Sunday. It's late. I'm experiment cooking (I'm making yogurt!) and hanging out in the kitchen. I'm trying to get ready for tomorrow... And... I didn't remember to do this earlier in the day...

I did, however, spend a long morning with my journal thinking about life.  And the mystery I uncovered... That there isn't one thing I want more than something else. There's nothing I can put my finger on and say "Yes!". Instead, what I discovered was I want a new Life Style!!! I want the kit-and-caboodle.

Yes, that life does come with different things. And No, I'm not unhappy with my life currently. (On the contrary, I'm grateful for my life!) I just want more of what I'm working towards.

• Following through when I say I'm going to do something. (Hello - I mean - Good-bye kitchen counter typing to complete the day's blog.)
• Organic, locally grown food to play with and eat naturally.
• A home cleaned, organized, and representing everyone who lives here.
• Being a professional with a creative and honest reputation where people look me up for their Social Media needs.
• Regular time with my husband dating.
• A beer to close the day and lots of smiles.

I'll get there...

And, I promise, next week I'll work out more of a plan (ok a how about just a plan in general?) so I can stop whining about what I want and start giving you something more to look forward to when reading these.

Until then. It is 10 and the new house rule is no electronics after 10. So, I must bid adieu till sweet marrow...

Happy 4th of July

ps. Happy National Country Music Day too.

Time for a Small Reward!

It's 9:00pm and my entire body HURTS!

My amazing husband and I spent the day purging, sorting, organizing and downsizing from 2 storage units to 1 unit. After 7 hours, we did it! A car full of stuff to donate. A trunk full of paper to go to recycling and some goodies brought home to the apartment. And I'm tired!

As we were driving home at the end of the day with the 2nd load of "treasures" to incorporate into the already filled apartment and 2 very stinky dirty bodies TJ told me how proud he was of what we accomplished. Downsizing and getting rid of more things. Saving $300 dollars because we don't have to pay for the 2nd unit. Following through on what we said we were going to do this weekend.

On the flip-side, all I could think about was how much work still needed to be done. Deal with stuff we brought home. Sort through everything already here to make room for the new stuff. Figure out here the artwork is going to be hung. Along with all the other day to day chores. I couldn't wrap any energetic energy around a positive lining in our day.

Then he said he would take me to the bar to celebrate. That... That started to change my thinking! (There's a bar up the street with garage doors they open on nice nights that I really want to check out. I swear that's it... I'm really not a lush *she types between sips of beer*.) With a teeny, tiny bit of  excitement, I started to re-think the money. I don't care so much about the $300 (that amount doesn't go as far as it used to!), but I do care about the financial snowball effect ending the monthly storage fee and applying it to getting out of debt will begin building. Being debt free will help us get to the life we want.

I was nice to start to feel good about what we had done today. They say, one should reward themselves for small accomplishments. Acknowledge the milestones so you stay motivate to complete the journey. I was able to do that. I wasn't able to look at what we finished until I began to look at it from a different angle. Now, I'm really proud of what we did! And I'm so tired that we are just going to go to bed for the night as our celebratory reward and skip the bar. (Proof that I'm old!)

How do you work through big, multiple tasks? Do you celebrate the parts or wait till it's all done? Do you only see the next step or can you appreciate what you have checked off the list? 

Who is Responsible for Your Life?

On the radio this morning the DJ's were talking about a Playboy Bunny who wrote a book about her time in the Mansion. She was 1 of 3 of the bunnies in a reality show about what life was like there. The radio folks implied she didn't paint her experience there very favorably. She wrote about all the things bunnies where "forced" to do: dye their hair blonde, get plastic surgery, date Hugh Hefner, and more things. 

So, as I understand it, this girl who was on skid row with a drug addiction was given an opportunity to clean up her life, became one of the most beautiful women in America, and had exposure to things only the Top 5% have. Now, she is feeling used and mistreated. That it wasn't her fault.

I can totally believe that Mansion life came at a cost. That things happened that you wouldn't want your little girl to know about, or see, let alone doing. I can believe life would have been a rollercoaster of straight up excitement where a person can get swept away without noticing. But... Didn't she still have a choice?

I'm 43. I have no retirement. I don't have any of my own money. It's been years since I worked a typical "Adult" job with vacation, 401k, and benefits. I'm not at all proud of these statements. Not. At. All.  But, it is where I am in life.  

I would completely love to blame someone else. Escape taking responsibility for the finical toilet bowl my life is in.  I would love to say I wasn't given the Right tools growing up. That my ex-boyfriend didn't support me and my company. That my teachers didn't help me in college. But... That's not true.

Everything in my life was a CHOICE I made. I quit my "good" job without having a backup. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship too long. I didn't work on my self-esteem until later in life.  My life today is solely an outcome of the choices I made in the past.

Don't get me wrong... I did the BEST I could with what I had. Being in an unhealthy relationship is not an easy thing to leave for anyone.  It takes a lot of determination and consistent actions to build one's esteem. And, people can't do life very easily without the support or generosity of others. But, ultimately, it is MY amazing life. And MY responsibility to manage it, ask for help, or hide.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish people would limit blaming others so much for their lives, realize we all have many possibilities, and to know we are responsible for where we are in life.  (and YES! I do know that this is so totally completely easier to say than live!) I'm not saying we are alone, or that we shouldn't ask for help, that we shouldn't offer help not that we shouldn't try to understand another person's life. Just that we take responsibility for our own life.  

So, how is your life? Is it where you want it? What are you doing to get it there?

I Made It!

Oh. My. Gosh. Call me Brittany... I did it again. Well, almost. Here it is after 10 pm and I'm writing my post for the day. Good thing I remembered, this time.

This is going to take some getting used to. I'm working on a daily "Chore" list so I know what things need to be done every day. I opt to forget some things because they aren't a habit (yet). And then there are the things I just don't like doing that I need a larger reward for accomplishing them (laundry, dishes, making the bed, you get the picture).

I guess this one is going to be short and sweet... I will, however, leave you with one of some motivational pictures from the vacation we just had in Nantucket. (Motivational for me, hopefully pretty for you.) Nantucket has become one powerful reason for going all this and making these changes... I crave to have a life where of living in a small town on the ocean and visiting this the beautiful island regularly.  

Hope you have a wonderful night. 

Well, that didn't take long...

It's Day 5 and there are only three posts. How soon I can forget to do something I want to do. I got caught up in needed to do what I was "suppose" to do and when I froze on that, a lot of other things didn't get done (like yesterday's post).

Interesting how we can allow something we are fighting to do control everything thing else we do and stop us dead in our tracks. We want to stay "focused" and not get distracted by something else. We want to stay on point and finish this project, no matter what the cost, so we don't leave yet another one unfinished. We don't want to let someone down, so we sit in avoidance and not do anything letting down so many other people. We go to battle with this "Thing". We create an attitude of all or nothing.

I've been listening to a lot of Abraham Hicks lately (thanks to the ease of Youtube). They spend a lot of time talking about the "Path of Least Resistance"; do what feels natural to you; notice when something doesn't feel right: keep a positive outlook:, and what you put out you receive. (Ok, this is completely my take-a-way in cliff-note version and I am so totally sure there is much much more, but for short story sakes...) Looking back at yesterday, (with Hindsight as my Super Hero) I wasn't living the path of least resistance.  I was, instead, forcing myself to do something and as a result I sat at my desk hitting my head against the wall.

On the flip side, when I was able to eventually start my project I had a blast! I worked through some hiccups have been in the way stopping me. I have a worksheet to assist my clients with. I have a game plan about what to do with my own marketing that I'm proud of. So I'm glad that I didn't give up on what I wanted to do. But...

But... Is there a way we could stay on track, remember what the big picture is, forgive ourselves when we're not ready to work on this or that part, allow ourselves to work on a different section, and then try again when the resistance isn't there? I know! That is asking a lot! Just think, how much could we accomplish if we listened to our inner self and allowed it to steer the direction every now and then!

So, I'm back. I'm not going to get on my case and I'm not going to yell at myself. I'm going to learn from yesterday and I'm going to continue on this discovery journey.  I'm going to work at listening to myself and allowing my emotions to be.

What are you going to do? Power on? Or try to understand why you've put an invisible wall in front of you? Whatever you choose, I'm glad you're here on this trip with me. Thank you!

Photo Credit to Richard Long. If you would like to purchase his book please follow this link 

Why Discipline?

Like all good stories... It all started long ago in a far away land called Redford.

I realized what I was doing wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't fully enjoy my micro interior design studio, working retail wasn't going to cut, and I had no worth-while marketable skills for a job I could live on. I discovered I needed to do something else. But what?

For nearly twelve months, I floated and bounced around. Throughout this, I discovered a career I like! How do I know I like it you ask? (Don't laugh) I know I like it because I read books about it. (I'm a slow and clumsy  reader and don't do it often, so this is a pretty big deal for me.) I want to know more about it. I go outside my comfort zone for it.  (And, we all know how hard that is to do.)

Now, I've spent six months learning and developing skills for this new adventure. I've taken classes, attended webinars, read books, listened to podcasts, (gaining an education is a different experience with Google than before) and gotten certified. I am ready to hang my shingle and get going! How exciting for me and my future!!!

But... But... But, I'm A.F.R.A.I.D.

I'm afraid to put all this knowledge I have into action. What if I really don't know anything?
I'm afraid to do what I know I can do (what I'm trained to do.)? What if it doesn't go the way I think it will?
I'm afraid to attempt the work. What if people think I'm stupid?

This is why the "D"-word (Discipline)

I Know I can do this.

I Know I have the knowledge to back up my processes.

I Know people will find value in my work.

I Know that starting and continuing will give me confidence.

I Know that with confidence fear will diminish.

I Know that having discipline will give me the backbone to continue on when I-Just-Don't-Wanna.

That is Why the need for Discipline...

The desire to overcome fear and accomplish something I Know I want and to live the life I dream about.

Day 3 of 90... only 86 more to go! I got this! Want to join me on my journey?


Thank you Very Best Quotes for a great motivational picture!