Tell Me, Are You Attached to The Mermaid Too?

Hopes and Dreams and Attachment

I'm starting something big in my life.  I'm excited about it! I can feel the desire for this change down into my bones and throughout my being. And yes, it scares me every moment of every day! Combined with all the internal struggles fighting in my self-esteem that came from combining my life with another's (ex: belly flopping into the role of a Step-Mom to a 14-year-old, taking on the role of a housewife --- neither character I ever wanted to be in life --- living without my own car for 9 months, not having any pets nor a place to garden, nor my own money) and I get overwhelmed. Not in a negative way. But in a "Wow, this is hard work" sort of way.

First and foremost, I stand in a place where this is MY LIFE and I welcome all of it! I truly do!!! I want more of the things it. I want more different things. And I want to experience it all!!!

I have always looked out for others. And it's been something I do well. Ever since I was an infant with a foster-brother I have figured out how I can help another. Learning how to help myself wasn't nearly as important as helping another. I'm proud of the helping other's part. And I'm working on helping myself now too.

Today I was going to take care of myself! I was going to put my desires first. I wasn't going to let the cost of ice skating, the new classes and the costs of travel, the rental and the upcoming expenses, the bills or the needed car repair stop me. I was going to pull from the girl I was before adulthood surfaced. I was going to free a part of myself I hold back so that everything going on can shine.  And I was so totally looking forward to it!!!!

I was going to get a blue-green-teal Mermaid hair color done.

It was a simple yet profound alteration that would allow the parts of me that are stuck or not-so-eager for-all-this-change-crap to see it's not so bad. It was a chance for me stand out and scream I'm here in a world where I feel I'm losing my uniqueness. It was a way to connect with the inner creative spirit of my true self.

Once there, with cash in hand and 3 hours of my day set aside for this adventure I discover they priced it wrong when I went in two days earlier to specifically inquire about the price (so I could make sure I had the money!) and to ask questions. 

I didn't have enough money. 

I wasn't able to get the coloring I had been looking forward to for months. The coloring I had been daydreaming about for weeks. The coloring in the picture I gazed at longinly saying to myself "Someday". My response... I walked out. Walked back in to give them a piece of my mind. Walked out again. Went home and cried.

Which leads to a question of attachment... I was so attached to getting my hair done! I so wanted it. I felt sucker punched.  I felt like... Sad. I was sad and let down.

But... What IF I wasn't attached to the outcome of having my hair done today? What if I just saw this as "Ok, I'll go home and save up more money."? What if I realized the crazy people at the beauty place don't have control over how high I hold my head up or if I'm happy? What if I had as much attachment to this occurrence as I do when went the post office is out of the stamps I like?

I'm still happy with my life. I'm still the powerful women making changes and blending my life. My day is really a great day. And I WILL get my hair colored... Just not this week (and from somewhere else).

So... What do you do when you're let down? What do you do when things don't go the way you planned them go? Are you attached to the outcome? Do you get angry? Or do you just say ok and move on?