Dealing With Avoidance

Remind me...
How did I get HERE!?!?

• Laundry (Including putting it away & patching holes)
• Clean the kitchen / bathroom / living room
• Find the office desk under the paperwork
• Find the dresser under the make-up & jewelry
• Fix the holes around the basement windows to keep the cold and mice out
• Insulate the crawl space
• Clean the kitty litter before she again pees somewhere else and I have to find it
• Finish (START) the canvases/artwork needed next week
• Fix the shingles on the roof
• Find out why the basement wall is leaking / how to rewire the electricity upstairs
• Purge the office, clothing, garage and basement, life
• Pay bills with the money growing on the backyard tree... (Wait, I don't HAVE a money growing tree!!! Now what?)
• Replace the bathroom cabinet / back screen door / the exterior side light
• Make money / Meet people / Network
• Create a marketing plan

There is always so much do to. I get easily overwhelmed by it all and stop, or break down, or cry, or veg in front of the TV. There are times I honestly believe that I've finally gotten a grasp on what needs to be done. I have a positive outlook that I CAN Do This!!! To find out I was only spinning my wheels and, in truth, I'm really back 5 steps.

To "deal with it" I step back, create new possibilities, figure out new ways to do without, figure out ways to do it "on the cheap." I try to stay happy about my living conditions. I remind myself I'm thankful for what I have. I try to have honest gratitude.

But... In reality, I hate where I live. I hate how I live. I hate that everywhere I look I see a minimum of 3 things that need to be done.

I spent a year living in denial. I ignored everything that needed to attention. Wanna know a secret? It didn't go away. It actually did the opposite; a lot of things, unsurprisingly, got worse. So now, I'm bleaching mold from the drywall and ceiling for days instead of having fixed the furnace drip and dealing with the water in a timely matter. I'm spending hours sorting through papers to find that needed phone number instead of managing my horizontal surfaces, time, life or behaviors.

I long to love my environment. To feel accomplished at the end of the day with a beer on a real sofa, not the twin bed pushed against the wall trying to pretend it IS a sofa. But instead I'm working till I'm falling over exhausted (on the days I'm not overwhelmed and hiding). I'm trying to put my life on track to be the adult I daydream about.

I'm learning about self-discipline and making choices; do I really really "need" that 14th plastic condiment jar, just-in-case? I'm learning that what I do today affects me tomorrow and 5 years from tomorrow. I'm learning that if I want my life to look a certain way and be a certain way, I need to keep THAT big picture in my mind when I make decisions.

I'm learning that cleaning up after avoidance is hard! And I don't like it!!!

I wish I could say, "I'm a changed woman, everything is on the right path and I'm always productive and proactive." But it seems, transforming how you do things is really hard (she said in a whiny voice with feet stomping and huge pout).

There's a saying I've heard over and over: "It took you years to get this way, it's not going to correct itself overnight."  So, I try a little bit every day. I keep my ultimate goal in mind and draw strength from it to remember Why. I will read blogs on self-discipline to encourage myself. I will remind myself over and over that I can do this!

I will proudly say, "I'm on a journey and some days are easy and go as planned, while other days are challenging and I get to go to bed really early." I'm not proud of myself for getting in this position; but I'm working at forgiving myself and being proud of getting out of it.

Goo

To very crudely paraphrase the Walt Wattles writing of Science of Getting Rich in "Betsy-isms"  --- You put your wants, desires, wishes and dreams in to the Goo and then you work your ass off getting prepared so your life is at a place where you can readily accept your wants, wishes and dreams coming true when the Goo hands them to you.

With all the trendy positive thinking going around and for various other reasons I have hear over and over again: "State your wishes." "The Universe will manifest your dreams." "All you have to do is want it hard enough." However, I never really believed it. I never understood the phrase "manifest" and thought it was being over used.

As for the Science of Getting Rich I have read the book in part a couple of times. I have the book on cd read by a good friend of mine (click here for your own copy) and listened to it a lot while driving. I've been part of a weekly phone conversation dissecting the book and the variety of meanings. So, some might say, I've been around the block with it.

BUT that last phrase has never made it into my consciousness.  "Work your ass off so your life is at a place where you can accept your dreams"

It's interesting to realize how after understating the missing line, I began to see it over and over in my life. (Unfortunately, I see it where I didn't fully put the instruction in to play.) I can see how much of an impact it made on my dreams and life.

I've been struggling with my interior design studio and twice the Goo has handed me opportunities for beautiful direct marketing perfectly targeted at my clientele. Alas, I didn't have my life in-tune to be able to accept it. Even after having it handed to me once I didn't prepare so I could jump on the chance the second time around. Kind of makes you wonder if I really wanted THAT dream.

Dream #2 -- the Goo attempts to fulfill wants I ask of it and "manifests" yet another desire I have been longing for and yet again I didn't prepare my life so I would be able to easily accept it.

It's frustrating to know I want do "it"; there's an opportunity to do it and someone wants me to do it ... But because I choose to avoid reality by watching a movie, another TV show or playing just-one-more with the snooze or a game on the iPad I miss the signs, the chances. I miss living my ideal life.

Good thing I have my dreams... That I have a stubbornness... And I have determination that won't let me pass my dreams by (at least the ones I really and truly want). So with that, today, even though my life isn't perfectly aligned, and I'm not fully ready; I'll still jump, with 2 feet, into a new life the Goo has provided for me this time. I wish it would be a beautiful graceful swan dive... But, I have a feeling it will look more like a belly flop.

Now I ask you ---

• What  are you projecting into the Goo?
• What are your hopes and dream you want the most in life?
• And MOST importantly, as I've learned, what are you doing to when your desire are handed to you, YOU can readily accept them....

Art work credit: Ocean Dreams by Josephine Wall