Why Do We Do What We Do?

A couple of weeks ago, while hanging out and talking with some friends one of them stated "You're Hot. Do you realize how hot you are?" I responded "I know; I work hard at it" and then preceded to blow it off,  making light of it.

I was at a girlfriend's house with her kids, the talk turned to a boy hitting on her 15 year old daughter. The daughter hadn't notice, thought the boy was being polite and chatty.  It was the next statement that made me take pause - someone said "Doesn't it make you feel good know a boy was flirting with you?"

Then a guy I know claimed, in a matter of fact statement, that I was totally in his league as a response to my explanation that he was way out of mine.

As I work my way through being single after eight years, mixed with the re-development of my strengths, along with finding myself, and the added insecurities of starting to date again ---- I look at people, watch them interact and my mind goes off reeling about what they go through every day. What they do? Why do they do it?

I work hard to be attractive to the opposite sex. I admit, I don't dress in the current trends (I've been told I have my own unique style.) Nor do I work at taming my rat's nest hair into some something high style. But, I do work on my energy. I do walk with confidence (when I really do not have it). I make sure I own my outfit and feel comfortable. I do all this because knowing I'm getting checked out makes me smile, makes me proud, and THAT is where I have a problem. My default programming of allowing myself to be judged and caring what that meant is at odds the confident independent women I long to be.

Why do I care if I'm hot? Why do I straighten my back a bit more when I know someone is looking? Why does my self-esteem relate to what someone thinks? And more importantly, why is this being programmed into the next generation?

Why don't I truly, without a doubt, believe I'm the strong free-wheeling women I attempt to portray to the world? Why is it just an act I play with? Why is it easier to believe I'm the ugly, untalented, absent minded, funny (in an odd way) girl?

Why is it that even though I'm told regularly "You're special" (in a good way), "You're strong," or "There-is-just-something-about-you" - my programming makes it easier for me to believe I'm just Hot.

Maybe it's time I really stopped trying to impress other people and truly believe in myself for myself. Be done "Faking it till I make it." Instead, aim to just Making It!

Wanna join me?

Making My Way Back to Happy

The happy one. The one that's there for people. The one that always sees the positive side of things. There to lift you up. That's been my roll since I was 13. I am proud to be that person! I love being that person! And, I do it pretty damn well!

But lately I haven't been there. I have been snapping at people. Not caring about their feelings. Feeling pulled in multiple directions, feeling suffocated, overwhelmed and just small, dirty and unhappy. No matter what I tried I couldn't get out of it. Sleeping in, jogging, eating, being with friends. They each worked for a short time, then the overwhelmed and anger would quickly creep back in.  I tried writing the blog post to work through it - but that just sounded like I was a whiny bitch, and who wants to read about that?!?!

It occurred to me today that in the mist of all the chaos in my life, I know a quiet office that is away from everything.. So I "barrowed" it for what I thought would be just the afternoon; 8 hours later I'm still here. It was so nice being somewhere without stuff. Without responsibilities. Without people, distractions, projects, and piles (I can't even find my desk at home, there are tools, paint chips, magazines, nails, screws and bunch of other things on it.) It was nice to be there.

At 8pm I just gave up. After 5 hours of fighting with myself and my website, not getting any work done, playing with shiny social media, I gave in. Broke down and cried. Allowed myself some self pity. Oh, it felt so very very good. And I had a lot to pity - my car, my ended relationship, my tiny living space, my fears. Bunches and bunches of pity... But I truly believe that my pities are no better or different than anyone else's. We all have our fears, our cars, our relationships, our homes.

So, I decided it was time to clam mine, to figure out what was at the core of this small, dirty, unhappiness. I listed a entire page, single spaced and small handwriting, of things! I had 10" of things on my mind. No wonder why there was no room for anything else. As I looked over the paper I noticed 3 words repeating - Afraid, Not, and Wanting. Those are 3 words I'm working hard and getting rid of. They are limiting. They stop you.  I wanted to understand why all this negative and at the same time I wanted to diminish it. On a new page I started at the top of the list and rewrote the sentence in a positive way and why it was this way and suggestions to make it so.

The internet spotty at home --- I have the "Barrowed" office I can come here whenever I need to and be welcomed.

Not liking my car --- The little blue alien gets me from point A to point B. It holds a lot of things. So empty it. Take the items to the recycling, donations. Honor your car, for it is a part of you. Enjoy the time you get to be in it. It is a stick have fun every now and then.

 Afraid of _________ (there were a lot of these, pick one) --- This was the changing point.  I realized Hell Yes I'm afraid... But, I'M NOT INTIMIDATED. I might be slowed down, living a bit in avoidance, but I'm not turning tail. And I'm not stopping.

Then all things started opening up. I need to honor my needs more. Who I am. How I work. And, I need to be ok with that. Yes, my living quarters are tight, but the alternative is my parents have moved to Seattle and I see them once every 2 years (not looking forward to that, give me the closeness!) I realized everything I'm stressing about has a solution. Some are easy; some aren't so easy. But I can do it! I have a game plan. And once you have that, there is no stopping you!

So, what are you feeling overwhelmed about? Could you make a list? Could you turn them each into a positive thing? Then make a game plan? Could you work your way back to happy?

Intimidation

Before challenge of wall paper removal & shelf destruction 

I read a quote last week. It’s all I've been thinking about when my mind starts wondering.

“The results you produce in life will be inversely proportional to the degree to which you are intimidated.” – Robert Ringer

When I first read it, it moved me and gave me a feeling of empowerment. But, I didn’t know if I really understood it… Had a discussion about it with a friend, and I did understand… Causing me to like it more.

As I thought about the quote I realized a contradiction in myself. In my head I’m completely and totally non-intimidated. I can do anything! (I do have a cape and a tiara to prove it) Then, there is the real me - the timid one who is afraid to ask/charge my professional worth, afraid to talk to someone at a networking event. I get nervous about beginning a new project, specially when I’ve never done it before. Considering I’m starting a whole new life full of changes and new ideas intimidation is NOT the best of traits.

The quote also got me analyzing the success of some of my “friends” (I have spend a fair amount of  time in the car this week.)  

There is a man I follow on Twitter who is rocking out in the website world. I read his tweets about contracts being signed, clients liking his work, showing him respect.  I imagine there is pressure to create these, get new clients and maintain the ones he has, but he always appears happy, positive. Nothing seems to stop him. Nothing seems to intimidate him. He use to play pro-football… After sitting down today watching the Loins play and really paying attention to what happens to those boys on the field...  I understand a bit better why he has so much confidence. With the responsibility of the game there is no way a client could do anything to make him question himself.

A very good friend of mine is a top sales person regularly brings in million dollar contracts (for a training program!) This guy could sell ice to an Eskimo. I always admired him, his integrity. He does the right thing. , doesn’t get swayed and stands firm. He is not intimidated (has however, intimidated me often.) Then I remember he use to be one of the people responsible or pushing the big red GO button for a nuclear missile when he was in the Navy. (just think, I can’t even handle killing a spider.) I cannot imagine what that would feel like. That level of doing what you’re told.

As I rebuild my life, the life I’ve been dreaming about, and create a house reflecting hope, my personality, and the future… I get scared. Am I doing the right thing? How am I going to learn to do THAT? Where is the money going to come from? Are they going to like my design ideas? Then I think about the quote:

“The results you produce in life will be inversely proportional to the degree to which you are intimidated.” – Robert Ringer

I think about all my “friends” that are going through so much and not being intimidated and standing in their own right:

• My beautiful friend watching her husband deal with cancer!
• My talent friend who is getting his masters in interior design, while working as a physician and still has time for his partner and friends!
• My amazing and wonderful cousin who married her girlfriend and they just gave birth to twins!

After I kick some booty!

You all inspire me so much… So, I put on my Big Girl Panties and I work on growing my large colorful wings and remember NOT to be intimated by whatever/whoever comes in my way!

Too Little Too Late?

I’ve tried for 40 minutes to write something profound and moving. I just can’t paint the picture I want. Creatively tie all the feelings together with a common thread. So, I’m just going to put my foot in my mouth a couple of times and just say it.

My ex and I have been talking almost daily since I moved out. (the joys of our two companies working hand in hand) At first we were using our best polite voices. Now we are getting a tad more “normal” sounding. But the interesting thing is… The things that bothered him before, he likes. For example, I was getting passionate about how he needs to do something. Before he would say calm down, shushing me and my emotions (to a response of me yelling louder, storming off and crying); today he said, it is ok, he likes it, it shows I still care. Then he went on about the pressures of work, I began to tune it out like normal, but instead I asked if he was happy with his job and said he mostly only talks of the bad things.  A long couple of moments later the conversation turned to the clients he does like and the nice things they have been saying about him. He even said he liked his job and his homeowners. I haven’t heard him talk like that for years.

This has got me thinking. What would have happened if we could have talked like this BEFORE I packed up my treasures, taken away a Sunday morning in 9 of my friends’ lives, and moved into my parent’s home? What would have happened if I knew he was happy, instead of totally miserable? If he understood my over jealousness was my way of showing how deep and passionate I care? I don’t know if it would have made a difference. But it is nice to know we are developing an understanding of each other.

I guess my request to everyone is… Please “look” at what your partner is saying. Could you interpret it differently? Is something a trait you originally fell in love with, and if so, can you find that interest in it again? “Look” at what you are bringing to the dinner table. What are you saying every night? Are you only talking about the bad?  When was the last time you stopped, looked them in the eye and said “I love the way you….”

I'm off the soap box now... Thanks for listening to me un-eloquently ramble on my thoughts. Have a great day!

Seven Layers

The seven layers of grief:

• Shock & Denial
• Pain & Guilt
• Anger & Bargaining
• Depression & Reflection & Loneliness
• Upward Turn
• Reconstruction
• Acceptance & Hope

Pretty sure I went through every single one of those emotions at some time today. Today, just downright sucked. I admit it; not proudly, but I do admit it. Not looking forward to a repeat of it any time soon!

Today, September 27, 2011, was the day we found out about my grandmother’s (Dotti) cancer. Today, was the third big event in my life in as many weeks. Finding out approximately how long my amazing, talented, passionate, stubborn grandmother is going to live based on the growth of her incurable cancer.  Just heavy weight on your shoulders; black cloud over your head; yucky! GOOD NEWS!!! No growth in 3 months! Everything is small, can be radiated down when needed… Dotti is going to live FOREVER!

The wonderful flip side to this relief is…  Now, Mommy, Daddy and Dotti are all going to move. Across the World -- ok, country to Seattle Washington to be close to my niece and nephew (the grandkids.) Did I mention they are doing this in DECEMBER (and did I mention it is the last week of September!) I am completely and totally happy for everyone! My niece and nephew (and my sister) are a joy, smart, awesome people and everyone moving is the right thing to do…. But…

This means I’m alone. Totally completely away from my family. For the first time in 40 years my parents are going to be farther than an 8 hour drive away from me; they'll practically be over an 8 hour airplane flight away! I do understand it is not all about me. I do understand that my parents are just as terrified moving (to a new state without a place to live, or a job) as I am of being alone. But...

That information, combined with the realization I’m not going to run in to my friends at the grocery store, I had to get a new Kroger card (so I can get the points), re-realizing I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, the joys of living out of boxes and never having the right supplies for the job (because they are in that other box.) All of it combined, just sucked!

That was my day. 

So, in regards to the 7 layers - I will admit - I have made it to 6 and 7 by the end… Because, all in all, my family moving is the best thing for everyone. I have an amazing family from other mothers who love me as dearly. In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t that bad, everyone is healthy (-ish) and we will still talk every day. It's going to be ok. And lastly, because we all know it really is about me, I can do anything!  

MY Belief

YES! I am taller that the Sousaphone- By 2 inches!

Since I was 13 I’ve lived in apartments, rented homes, or with a licensed builder/handyman. I haven’t had to worry about the maintenance on my homes. Haven’t has to think about mowing the lawn, fixing the toilet/garbage disposal, or the like.  Now… It’s a different story… My parent’s house is laden with a multitude of projects! The good news is….

I have this belief; it’s very strong and I hold onto it tight never wanting to let it go. I am the first to admit it gets in the way a lot. And maybe, just maybe, if I gave up on the belief, just a little, I might not be 40 and living at my parents -- I might be 40 and living with a wonderful boyfriend creating our life together…  But I’m pretty focused on this and not budging.

I believe I can do anything! ANYTHING! Go anywhere…  Be anything… Create anything...

DO ANYTHNG!!!!

So, when I realize I need to move the electrical outlet, I just shake my head and think – there has to be a YouTube video that will teach me that. Or, when I think about the fact the drain is going to get clogged - I’ll learn how to use a snake. Because, as you know, I can do anything.

Now that I’ve had my say, I’m going back to organizing the treasure of my life, designing a dental office, creating 2 marketing campaigns, updating my website,  and learning how to scim coat the walls.

Ps... I grew up with my parents telling me this was my theme song. It might even be the beginning of my belief. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do....

Pete Seegar "Gonna Be An Engineer" Sung by Peggy Seegar

My 40th Birthday Present to Myself -- I MOVED!

I moved! I moved from a beautiful 3 bedroom home on an acre of land in small quaint Milford with just my boyfriend, I and our 2 cats, to a 2 bedroom small home in busy Redford (a block away from 8 mile - yeah, Eminem's 8 Mile) with my parents. Isn’t that what everyone does the week before they turn 40? I wanted to follow my dreams of being a house hold name for interior design. I wanted to explore life again and live it to its fullest.

So, I packed up all my treasures (because, if I’m taking the time to pack it and figure out where/how to store it… it IS a treasure!) Called a wonderful friend and moved; moved with the help of 9 determined friends with really BIG trucks and trailer.

Now, I’m living in a 30’ x 15’ space where I’m sleeping and running my dream company from.  And yeah… Did I mention it has to be remodeled? (unless red, orange, yellow flowered stripe ripped wall paper, mixed with knotty pine paneling is your thing) My living space needs some major remolding, while the rest of the house needs more of a facelift. And, there isn’t a budget for anything.

I don’t look at this as limiting or a step backward… Instead I’m proud and embracing all of it - smiling!

This blog is my story. What it’s like to move in with my parents and follow my dream, while remolding MY home in completely my style. I hope you enjoy the ride

My sleeping space

View from my bed to my office